Lakers Sign Markieff Morris, Hoping He’ll Switch Out with Brother Marcus During Games

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Gearing up for the postseason, the Los Angeles Lakers waived former All-Star big man DeMarcus Cousins to make room for Markieff Morris, meaning that Morris will play in the same city as his twin brother Marcus, who came to the Clippers in a trade deadline deal with the Knicks. The Lakers tell The Second String that this move is meant to help the team beat their crosstown rivals in the playoffs, as they hope Markieff and Marcus will switch teams during the games.

Continue reading “Lakers Sign Markieff Morris, Hoping He’ll Switch Out with Brother Marcus During Games”

Mariners Terrified That Ichiro Their Best Pitcher Heading Into Spring Training

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Rich Schultz

The Seattle Mariners have a predicament before their Spring Training games begin: who will be their ace this upcoming season? Their lefty one-two punch of Marco Gonzalez and Yusei Kikuchi hardly strikes terror the hearts of opposing lineups, and top prospect Justus Sheffield isn’t quite ready to handle the load. Instead, the horrified party is manager Scott Servais, who realized a week after pitchers and catchers reported to Arizona that his best pitching option was retired outfielder Ichiro Suzuki. Continue reading “Mariners Terrified That Ichiro Their Best Pitcher Heading Into Spring Training”

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred Says World Series Trophy Only Valuable in Metal-Starved Apocalypse

by Alex Poletti
Photo by LM Otero/Associated Press

Coming under fire recently for calling the World Series “just a piece of metal” with regard to the Astros cheating scandal, Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred doubled down on Wednesday, saying that the only way the trophy would ever have value is in the event of an apocalypse that leaves the world without a sufficient supply of metal materials, thus creating an economy around the resource. Continue reading “MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred Says World Series Trophy Only Valuable in Metal-Starved Apocalypse”

Kyrie Irving Elected VP of Players’ Union: Petitions to Make Balls Flat to Mirror Shape of Earth

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Brad Penner

Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving was elected as the vice president of the National Basketball Players Association, replacing Pau Gasol after his three-year term expired. Irving went straight to work following the election, proposing to replace balls with frisbees in order to better replicate the shape of the Earth. Continue reading “Kyrie Irving Elected VP of Players’ Union: Petitions to Make Balls Flat to Mirror Shape of Earth”

James Harden Gets Into Charitable Spirit of All-Star Weekend by Donating $300,000 to Local Strip Club

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

At the heart of the NBA All-Star weekend is charity. While Teams Giannis and Lebron fought valiantly to win the ceremonial affair, the true victors were Chicago Scholars and After School Matters, two Chicago-based charities that received $400,000 and $100,000, respectively. All-Star starter James Harden, not to be outdone by the NBA, made his own charitable contributions, giving out $300,000 to several Chicago strip clubs after the game. Continue reading “James Harden Gets Into Charitable Spirit of All-Star Weekend by Donating $300,000 to Local Strip Club”

Tom Brady Says He's 'Seriously Considering' Offer from Head and Shoulders Shampoo

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Winslow Townson

The biggest question of the football off-season keeps getting more and more complicated. Six-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady told The Second String on Sunday that he is “seriously considering” signing with Head and Shoulders shampoo, following an impressive pitch they made last week. Continue reading “Tom Brady Says He's 'Seriously Considering' Offer from Head and Shoulders Shampoo”

Myles Garrett Commits Double-Homicide to Get Back In Good Graces of NFL

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Getty

It was a rough season for Cleveland Browns defensive end Myles Garrett, not only because he was a defensive end for the Cleveland Browns, but also because he was suspended indefinitely following an altercation with Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Mason Rudolph on November 14. Fortunately for the 2017 first overall draft pick, Garrett will get a fresh start after murdering two people to get back in the NFL’s good graces. Continue reading “Myles Garrett Commits Double-Homicide to Get Back In Good Graces of NFL”