‘He’s Never Been on a Knee,’ Kenny Stills Says of Jay-Z, Ignoring 2014 Met Gala Proposal to Beyoncé

by Alex Poletti

Rap magnate Jay-Z has come under fire recently for his “entertainment and social justice” partnership with the NFL. One player to question Jay-Z is Kenny Stills of the Miami Dolphins, who claims that “he’s never been on a knee,” despite the rapper’s cute and heavily publicized mock proposal to Beyoncé on the 2014 Met Gala red carpet.

“I understand Kenny’s criticism, I really do,” commissioner Roger Goodell, who still thinks it’s cool to call players by their first name, says. “But saying he’s never been on a knee is an ignorant comment, given the media reaction to the Met Gala gaff turned romantic moment.”

During the 2014 Met Gala, the pop culture power couple both wore Givenchy Haute Couture outfits, with Queen Bey sporting a sizeable ring on her right hand. When the ring fell off, the doting husband went to retrieve it and enacted a proposal. The event took the media by storm.

“Honestly, if Kenny Stills took his head out of his social justice-loving ass and started focusing on the things that really matter, then he would’ve known that what he said was completely inaccurate,” Fox News personality Sean Hannity says.

Some have argued that Stills was trying to say Jay-Z never protested alongside NFL players, nor did he speak with the people involved in the movement before making statements that the league had “moved past kneeling,” bringing into question the legitimacy of his motives for forming this partnership. However, there’s no doubt that Stills’ words were unfortunate, given the favorable press surrounding the 2014 incident. Quick to be a diplomat, however, Jay-Z responded to Stills’ criticism.

“Look man, I’m just trying to own the Super Bowl halftime show,” the Tidal service owner says.

Leaders of the NFL’s protest movement quickly came to back the Miami wide receiver. Panthers safety Eric Reid, an outspoken advocate for social reform, also criticized Jay-Z’s new partnership, labelling it “disingenuous.” Colin Kaepernick tweeted his support for Stills as well; however, Stills quickly asked the free agent to remove the post.

“Look man, I still want to work,” Stills said to Kaepernick, according to sources close to the story. “Are you trying to get us both blacklisted? Get out of here, man.”

Fellow Dolphins wide receiver Albert Wilson II also voiced his support for Stills. However, Wilson is not nearly good enough to be featured in this story.

NFL Considers Expanding Domestic Violence Policy to Maybe Catch Some of Those Guys

by Alex Poletti

The National Football League announced that they are considering changes to their domestic violence protocol to maybe catch some of those guys and discipline them for their actions. However, the NFL was quick to note that all changes are purely hypothetical at this time.

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Chris Sale Doesn’t Need Tommy John, Just Better Off Not Pitching For Rest of 2019

by Alex Poletti

After meeting with Dr. James Andrews, Red Sox ace Chris Sale was told he would not need season-ending Tommy John surgery; however, due to his underwhelming performance all year long, Boston decided it was best for him not to pitch for the rest of 2019 anyway.

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As Yankees Clinch 27th-Straight Winning Season, Mariners Celebrate 27th Consecutive Season Disappointing Fans

by Alex Poletti

As Aroldis Chapman sealed the door on a 3-2 victory against the Cleveland Indians, the Yankees 82nd on the year, the Bronx Bombers made history with their 27th consecutive winning season. While the feat is no doubt impressive, the Seattle Mariners hold the more intriguing streak, having disappointed their fanbase in each of the last 27 campaigns.

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World Somehow Still Surprised by DeMarcus Cousins Injury

by Alex Poletti

Despite a lengthy injury history that has limited DeMarcus Cousins to less than 55 games in each of the last four seasons, the basketball world was somehow still surprised by an injury to the Lakers center during preseason workouts.

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Dedicated Jameis Winston Stays After Practice to Throw 20 Extra Picks

by Alex Poletti

It’s a make-or-break year for former first-overall pick Jameis Winston, who can declare free agency at the end of the season. Up to this point, the Tampa Bay quarterback has failed to live up to expectations, leading Winston to stay late after a preseason practice to throw 20 more interceptions.

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Jake Arrieta Seeks President Trump for Second Opinion on Bone Spur

by Alex Poletti

Debating whether to end his season and operate on a marble-sized bone spur in his throwing arm amid a heated NL wild card race, Phillies pitcher Jake Arrieta sought the opinion of a man with intimate knowledge of the issue: President Donald Trump.

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