Short Guy Makes NYC Subway Ride Home a Living Hell

by Alex Poletti

Some annoying short guy completely ruined the commute back home from Yankee Stadium on the subway after fans watched game five of the ALCS on the stadium’s Jumbotron, sources for The Second String report at the scene. Despite not being physically present, this 5’6 prick messed up the vibe of every New Yorker on the crowded train.

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Aroldis Chapman Smiles After Giving Up Home Run, Finally Doing Something Nice for Another Person

by Alex Poletti

Ending the Yankees’ season with a poorly thrown slider in the middle of the zone, Aroldis Chapman let out a smile after serving up a walk-off home run to Astros second baseman Jose Altuve. Chapman’s expression was explained through an exclusive interview with The Second String, in which the fireballer admitted that he was just happy to do something nice for another person for the first time in his life.

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Wheelie-Assisted Marathon Run Prompts Question: Has Sports Technology Gone Too Far?

by Alex Poletti

As technology advances and athletes are given every opportunity to improve their craft, record keepers and sports fundamentalists wonder if new achievements are legitimate, given the hand that new tech has played. This debate was reinvigorated this week after Kenyan runner Eliud Kipchoge ran the first marathon under two hours, but did so with Wheelies, putting his record in jeopardy.

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Broncos Consider Replacing John Elway with Literally Anyone Who Can Watch a Football Game

by Alex Poletti

In the midst of a 2-5 season, the Broncos are considering personnel changes at the top of the food chain, including Hall of Fame quarterback and certainly not Hall of Fame general manager John Elway. A leaked document to The Second String shows that their list of potential replacements includes anyone who can watch a football game.

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Jalen Ramsey Finds Home Among Other Assholes in Los Angeles

by Alex Poletti

Cornerback Jalen Ramsey now calls the beautiful beaches of Southern California home after being dealt from the Jacksonville Jaguars to the Los Angeles Rams for two first-round picks and a fourth. This is the perfect ending for Ramsey, who now finds himself in good company among the biggest divas and douchebags America has to offer.

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Long History of Nepotism, Inefficiency Scores Jay Gruden Job in US Government

by Alex Poletti

Just days after being fired from his position as head coach of the Washington Redskins, Jay Gruden has scored a new gig as a member of the United States government. Experts say that he got the job due to his history of nepotism and general mediocrity and inefficiency.

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Bryce Harper Tries to Sneak Back into Nationals Clubhouse During NLCS Game Three

by Alex Poletti

Realizing he backed the wrong horse at the beginning of the 2019 season, Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Bryce Harper tried to sneak back into the clubhouse of his former team, the Washington Nationals, as they played the third game of the NLCS against the St. Louis Cardinals.

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