Dinner with Vanessa Hudgens Gives Kyle Kuzma First Rebound of Season

by Alex Poletti
Photo by ESPN

Lakers forward Kyle Kuzma finally added a rebound to his stats this year by having dinner with “High School Musical” star Vanessa Hudgens just one week after she broke up with former Disney star Austin Butler.

Continue reading “Dinner with Vanessa Hudgens Gives Kyle Kuzma First Rebound of Season”

Report: ‘Jimmy Geesus’ Garoppolo Now More Popular than Actual Jesus in San Francisco

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

It’s been a good year for San Francisco quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo. Not only has the former Patriot found his way to the Super Bowl, but he recently overtook Jesus of Nazareth, the lord and savior of the Christian religion, in a new poll of most popular Jesuses in San Francisco, a report by The Second String shows.

“For the first time since we started tracking the popularity of people named Jesus, Jesus Christ is not holding the top spot,” pollster for The Second String Chuck Lam-Lu says. “Granted, Jesus Christ hasn’t gotten a lot of competition in the past, but this is still pretty surprising.”

As one of the most popular figures of all time, it’s no surprise that Jesus Christ, son of God, has consistently topped polls of top Jesuses for the past 2,000 years. As Lam-Lu suggests, though, he has really only faced competition from a few minor soccer and baseball players over the years. With the addition of Jimmy Garoppolo, often referred to as Jimmy Geesus, the Lamb of God finally sees an adversary at his level.

“We are already talking about a city with tendencies of heathenry,” San Francisco pastor Don Christie says. “So when you couple that with a superstar on the rise, it isn’t hard to see why this is such a close race. Jesus may have led the Christians to salvation, but Jimmy Geesus led the 49ers to the Super Bowl. It’s a toss up.”

Garoppolo came over to the 49ers in October of 2017 in a trade with the New England Patriots. His career with San Francisco began well with five wins in his first five starts. With his charismatic presence and seemingly supernatural leadership skills, fans soon started to draw connections.

“When you think about it, they both have a lot in common,” Christie continues. “They obviously get a lot of credit for stuff their dads did—Garoppolo’s dad being Tom Brady, of course. They also both have close relationships to a sex worker, as Garoppolo’s relationship with adult film star Kiara Mia indicates. Not to mention they both have reputations for having chiseled six pack abs.”

In August of last year, The Second String reported that Jimmy Geesus must be at the crucifixion stage of his career following a 0.0 preseason passer rating game. We didn’t know how right we were, as Garoppolo has been reborn as a Super Bowl quarterback, leading the Jews 49ers to the promised land.

The final poll saw Jimmy Garoppolo in the one spot, Jesus Christ close behind him and dark horse candidate Raheem Mostert in third.

*This article is a work of satire. Though certain elements and quotes may be based on true events, this should not be taken as fact.


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Andy Reid Stares at Self in Mirror Following Chiefs’ AFC Championship Win, Not Recognizing Winning Coach He’s Become

by Alex Poletti
Photo by JEFF ROBERSON / AP

An identity crisis struck Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid following his team’s AFC Championship victory over the Tennessee Titans, as he stared at himself in the mirror for hours afterwards, not able to recognize the successful coach he has become.

Continue reading “Andy Reid Stares at Self in Mirror Following Chiefs’ AFC Championship Win, Not Recognizing Winning Coach He’s Become”

Aaron Rodgers Released by State Farm Following NFC Championship Loss

by Alex Poletti
Photo by AP Photo/Ben Margot

Insurance behemoth State Farm announced that they are parting ways with star quarterback and advertising frontman Aaron Rodgers following his disappointing loss to the San Francisco 49ers in the NFC Championship.

Continue reading “Aaron Rodgers Released by State Farm Following NFC Championship Loss”

Officer Slapped on Butt by Odell Beckham Jr Won’t Pursue Charges, Will Pursue Second Date

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

The New Orleans police officer slapped on the buttocks by Odell Beckham Jr. during LSU’s locker room celebration of their National Championship victory is not pursuing charges against the Browns wide receiver. However, the officer tells The Second String that he is pursuing a second date with the Pro Bowler. Continue reading “Officer Slapped on Butt by Odell Beckham Jr Won’t Pursue Charges, Will Pursue Second Date”

Jason Garrett Hired as Giants’ Offensive Coordinator, to Become Lone Man Clapping for Giants in MetLife Stadium

by Alex Poletti
Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images

The New York Giants confirmed on friday that former Dallas Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett has agreed to become the next offensive coordinator of the New York Giants following disappointing seasons for both parties. As an added benefit, Garrett will become the first and only person to clap for the Giants’ offense next season. Continue reading “Jason Garrett Hired as Giants’ Offensive Coordinator, to Become Lone Man Clapping for Giants in MetLife Stadium”

Zion Williamson Prepping Best Way to Pull Hamstring for Debut

by Alex Poletti
Photo by CBS Sports

David Griffin, Executive Vice President of Basketball Operations for the New Orleans Pelicans, announced that the team is eyeing a January 22 debut for Zion Williamson, the first overall draft pick in 2019. Zion tells The Second String that he’s spending the last few days before his debut trying to figure out the best way to pull his hamstring during his first NBA game. Continue reading “Zion Williamson Prepping Best Way to Pull Hamstring for Debut”