To Substantiate Claims He’s the Next Babe Ruth, Prospect Picks Up Alcoholism, Smoking Habit

by Alex Poletti

Chicago White Sox top prospect Eloy Jimenez has a lot of hype to his name. The Associated Press reported that fellow minor-league teammate Michael Kopech has referred to the outfielder as “the Babe Ruth of our generation.” In order to support this claim, Jimenez has opted to become a raging alcoholic, smoker and womanizer.

“Obviously, there’s a big part of me that wants to live up to the hype,” Jimenez explains. “So I started driving really fast on the highway and drinking a bottle of whiskey every day. I don’t want to let my teammates down.”

Jimenez, a Dominican-born right-fielder who signed with the Chicago Cubs in 2013, has lived life on the straight and narrow, but realized that he needed to up his game at the next level. He arrived at White Sox spring training camp in Glendale, Arizona with a cigar in his mouth and an added 30 pounds of fat.

“I’ve seen the progress he’s made over the winter,” White Sox manager Rick Renteria says. “I couldn’t be more proud of him. He’s really been working hard, it takes a lot of effort to be in that kind of shape.”

Recently, Jimenez has also been missing practice about three times a week for nefarious purposes in order to more realistically channel his idol.

“Whenever I’m having sex, drunk out of my mind in a random hotel room, I know I’m getting closer to the Bambino,” the 22-year-old phenom says. “If this doesn’t lead to 60 home runs a year, I don’t know what will.”

Jimenez has also expressed plans to die in his early 50s of cancer probably caused by his horrific lifestyle. The 2019 Rookie of the Year candidate expresses his gratitude for Kopech for putting him on this path.

“Really, I couldn’t have done it without Mike’s encouragement,” Jimenez says of the flamethrowing pitcher. “But it’s important to remember I think he’s the Nolan Ryan of our generation.”

Kopech has also taken steps to live up to this comparison: the 22-year-old pitcher recently broke into the home of former third-baseman Robin Ventura, put him in a headlock and punched him repeatedly until umpires dragged them apart.

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