by Alex Poletti
The Philadelphia 76ers announced this weekend that sales of their new “Trust the Process” parenting book will begin this Friday.
This project is the brainchild of owner Joshua Harris and general manager Elton Brand. After hearing a front office executive complaining about her newborn, the two thought they’d try their hand at the parenting game.
The book suggests that parents should apply the tactics first implemented by the NBA team’s front office under general manager Sam Hinkie to their children.
“We know what it’s like to have a shitty basketball team, we had one for quite some time,” 76ers owner Harris tells The Second String. “So we thought, why not apply the same principles to shitty children?”
The 76ers recommend that parents deal with their terrible children by just letting things go haywire for a bit in hopes that the family will naturally get better in the next couple of years. By purposefully tanking their children’s upbringing, parents can accrue more draft capital for the upcoming child drafts.
“Parents must view the process pragmatically,” the book instructs. “Not all of your children will be stars: if the Philadelphia 76ers have taught us anything, it’s that most of them will be busts. However, if your children are truly terrible enough, it will put parents in a position to pick highly in the upcoming drafts.”
Some parenting experts have criticized the 76ers, saying they do not understand the intricacies of raising children. Their primary evidence for this is the book’s assertion that there is a child draft.
“Look, I think we know what we’re talking about,” Harris says confidently. “We trusted the process, and we have a winning percentage over .600. If that doesn’t translate to parenting, I don’t know what does.”
The “Trust the Process” guide also comes in tiers, based on how dedicated to the process parents really are. Higher tier process-based parenting involves parents trading their older, better children for younger children from other families with higher upside. In later stages of the process, the 76ers also advise signing veteran free agent children to serve as clubhouse leaders for the prospects.
The most popular technique is a form of recognition that alerts other families that the process is in effect.
“When going out in public, slip a 76ers jersey and hat onto your children,” the book says. “That way, onlookers will know when your children are being assholes that you aren’t bad parents, you’re just trusting the process.”