by Alex Poletti
With Jacksonville officially signing Nick Foles to a four-year, $88 million dollar deal, the average penis size of the Jaguars 53-man roster has increased by nine tenths of an inch, according to the team’s physical trainer.
This means the Jaguars now have the highest average length in the NFL history, beating out the 1998 Denver Broncos and the 2012 Baltimore Ravens.
“Bick Dick Nick” Foles has gained notoriety in recent years for packing heavy heat down under, which some say may be the reason the Super Bowl MVP’s contract surpassed $80 million. Though there has been no proven causation between penis size and success at the NFL level, teams have historically sought players to boost their roster’s average.
“There’s something to be said about bringing in a player with such a large appendage,” Jacksonville general manager David Caldwell says. “We just wanted that kind of energy in the clubhouse.”
Although the moniker may be a recent acquisition for the former Eagles quarterback, news of his elephant-like phallus has been with him for his entire career; during a reddit Q&A, former teammate Connor Barwin admitted that the Arizona product had the largest dong of any teammate.
Even before Barwin’s statement, the field general’s size had been a subject of interest: at the 2012 NFL Scouting Combine, Foles’s 5.14 40-yard dash came with the qualification “he would’ve been faster if he weren’t running with three legs.”
Not only has the average phallic length increased with the Foles acquisition, but the girth has as well. According to one analyst, the circumference increase was the largest for the Jaguars since the free agent signing of A.J. Bouye in 2017.
“When we say Nick is a well-rounded player, now I think everyone knows what we mean,” Caldwell says.