by Alex Poletti
After a round one loss to LSU in the 2019 March Madness tournament, Yale came forward to blame the recent college admission scandal for its shortcomings.
Earlier this month, the New York Times broke the story that wealthy parents paid college coaches to consider their non-athletic children as top prospects to help them get into the universities of their choice. Yale was among the schools implicated in the official Department of Justice report.
“It’s an achievement just to make it to the tournament,” Yale head coach James Jones tells The Second String, “but I swear we would’ve done better if half of our team didn’t consist of rich celebrity children with no basketball experience.”
Federal prosecutors confirm that half of the Yale team were involved in bribing coaches to endorse their applications as athletes. This explains why the Ivy League school’s starting five included Robert Downey III and Ronald Doody, grandson of famous Hollywood puppet Howdy Doody.
“Working with Ronnie [Doody] was especially difficult,” Jones elaborates, “given that he was a wooden puppet. I’m surprised the administration didn’t suspect anything with him sooner.”
After the scandal broke, Yale decided that instead of revoking their admission to these students, they would let the kids play for a spot on the team.
“I get their decision, it was a sort of slap in the face to the program for all they did,” Yale forward Paul Atkinson says. “But it really did piss off the three of us who actually came to Yale to play basketball.
Coaches admit they regretted their decision to accept bribes when they saw the antics of their players in action.
“It first dawned on me that we made a mistake when the students demanded Fiji water after every practice,” Jones explains. “And it was kind of a face-palm moment for me when one of the parents tried to bribe the ref to count his kid’s free throw after he airballed. The parent even hired a photoshop expert to forge a video of the ball going in.”
#14 Yale lost to #3 LSU in the first round of the NCAA March Madness tournament in Jacksonville Arena by a score of 79-74. A source tells The Second String that before the scorekeeper was given a $250,000 tip, the score was actually 79-14.