by Alex Poletti
The Arizona Cardinals shocked the football world by signing a VHS Tape of “Remember the Titans” as their new offensive coordinator on Sunday. A joint announcement was made by Arizona Cardinals ownership and head coach Kliff Kingsbury.
“We are thrilled to announce our new offensive coordinator for 2019 and beyond,” Kingsbury said in an official statement. “Denzel Washington’s Gettysburg speech still gives me chills, and I think it’s really going to improve our offense.”
The position was most recently held by Mike McCoy and Byron Leftwich, who collectively led the Cardinals to a disappointing 3-13 record with league lows in passing yards and points-per-game. McCoy was dismissed after an embarrassing loss to the Denver Broncos in week seven, leading the Cardinals to promote QB coach Leftwich to the job, who himself was let go after the season ended. Clearly, there was nowhere to go but up.
“Last season obviously didn’t go as planned,” Bill Bidwill, the Cardinals’ principal owner and chairman says, “so we wanted to go in a different direction. We think the ‘Remember the Titans’ VHS brings the old school values our organization cherishes front and center.”
This decision comes on the heels of the Cardinals losing out on the John DeFilippo and Kevin Stefanski sweepstakes, with the two offensive coordinators signing with Jacksonville and Minnesota, respectively.
This led Arizona to seek paths less traveled to find their next offensive coordinator. The discovery came from none other than the newly-minted head coach.
“I was watching cable TV, just channel surfing, and, boom, the movie was on,” Kingsbury recalls. “I was like, this is our guy. I need to get management on this now.”
Thus, the question wasn’t whether “Remember the Titans” would get signed, but rather which version. A source close to the Cardinals organization told The Second String that a DVD, bootleg USB, and Amazon instant-streaming version of the 2000 sports drama were all considered by management before Arizona finally decided on the VHS. The VHS, our source confirms, offered the Cardinals an unparalleled veteran presence.
The signing has drawn some criticism from analysts, many noting that this VHS tape, apart from being an inanimate object with the inability to call plays, has no NFL experience.
“I don’t give a hoot what people say about NFL experience,” Kingsbury adamantly said. “Doug Pederson was a high school coach before the Eagles signed him, and now he has a Superbowl ring. And all this nonsense about a VHS tape not being able to call plays—Mike [McCoy] was a full-on thinking person and he couldn’t call plays either, so we know that’s not a requirement for the job.”
While Cardinals management is happy with the new decision, many fans worry about how the new hire will mesh with the Cardinals players. The Second String reached out to Arizona veteran and star wide-receiver Larry Fitzgerald for answers.
“‘Remember the Titans?’ I love that movie, man,” the eleven-time pro-bowler says.