by Alex Poletti
Well gentleman, time to put away the basketball, pig skin and baseball bat. A new study of over 3,500 woman shows that curling is the most attractive sport and the most likely to result in post-athletic love-making.
For decades, many athletes have considered slam dunks and home runs as the primary method to garner sex appeal; the Tom Glavine/Greg Maddux “Chicks Digs the Long Ball” ad has long been cited as the strongest evidence for this claim.
However, a new study done in association with the University of British Columbia shows that nothing is quite as sexy as gliding across some ice and sweeping a broom in front of a rock.
“I don’t know what it is about those men, but they’re just so graceful,” supermodel Vera Sotomayor explains. “It just turns me on. That’s all I can say.”
Not surprisingly given the results of this study, curlers also rank as the most attractive athletes in the world, just barely edging out wiffle ballers and fencers.
“I can’t say I’m shocked,” USA Olympic curler and certifiable daddy Matt Hamilton says. “After Pyeongchang, my phone was ringing off the hook. I had to turn women away.”
Since curling reached the spotlight in 2018, the physique of the average curler has been sought after by many average Americans.
“My step-kids were watching curling during the Olympics, and I saw those guys and decided I wanted to look like that,” white step-dad Joe McDonald says. “I started growing out the mustache and filling in my dad bod the very next day.”
One key reason scientists believe curling has gained new fame as the sexiest sport is the large-scale sexual awakening that occurred after curling received increased airtime during the 2018 Pyeongchang Olympics.
“The first time I ever truly felt like a woman was when I watched John Shuster slide across the ice in a low lunge,” 20-year-old UBC sophomore Jessica Crosby explains to The Second String. “And those khakis! I mean, my goodness, are those even legal?”
At this point in the interview, Crosby became too flustered to continue and had to remove herself from the room.
“I have his poster above my bed in my room,” a suddenly sopping-wet Crosby says of the gold medalist when she returned to complete the interview. “I’ll admit, I’ve had impure thoughts about those brooms. But I think we all have.”