Miami Marlins to Offer Game Attendees Complimentary Plate Appearances

by Luke DePalatis

In a move to increase ticket sales, the Miami Marlins front office has implemented a new policy allowing game attendees a complimentary in-game plate appearance.

In 2018, the Miami Marlins struggled with attendance, scoring last in the MLB with a whopping 811,104 tickets sold, a decrease of 771,910 from the year before. The Marlins have historically struggled with attendance, notably having a lower average game attendance then the LSU Tigers baseball team in 2018.

Some have criticized Miami Marlins CEO and former Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter about the drop in ticket sales at the end of the 2018 season.

“Why should I care about the Miami Marlins?” Jeter responds. “I’m a New Yorker until the end, baby.”

However, soon lawyers arrived on the scene and informed Mr. Jeter about his responsibility as the CEO, and he quickly changed his tune.

“Our offense hasn’t been very productive for the last five to twenty years… especially after I traded the league’s home run leader and last year’s AL MVP. We think our fans have been a little disappointed in our production, and we think that giving them an opportunity to participate in the game will give a much needed boost to our ticket sales.”

This move will give all twelve Miami Marlins fans the opportunity to take a swing against some of the world’s greatest ball-players.

“I think this is a great idea,” unmarried white man Tom Connolly says. “I can’t wait to show those Tampa Rays who’s boss!”

When asked if he thought the low attendance was an issue, Tom Connolly had this to add:

“That’s kind of the charm, isn’t it? When you go to a Miami game, everyone knows each other. It’s like we’re all one big family. Actually… not that big. About the average Thanksgiving dinner.”

After doing extensive research, baseball analysts have determined that this rule change might make the Marlins profitable this year.

“Expect to see a double in ticket sales,” The Second String’s lead baseball analyst explains. “The Marlins might make enough to buy orange slices for each player when the season ends.”

The Second String isn’t the only one hopeful for this experiment. With these changes, Jeter himself has high hopes for the season.

“We hope this change can create a winning culture in Miami,” Jeter concludes. “In the end, fans may not remember the score, but they’ll definitely remember the experience.”

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