by Alex Poletti
Former Browns head coach Hue Jackson has officially been relieved of his duties as coach of the Symmes Rubber Ducks 11-and-under team by the Symmes Township Pee Wee Football League. The 53-year-old led the Pee Wee team to an astonishing 0-12 record before he was fired before the week thirteen match-up against the Springfield Groundhogs.
“We’ve decided to take this program in another direction,” league commissioner Pete Raleigh said in an official statement Saturday morning. “We thank Hue for his service, but we’d really like to win a game at some point in our lives.”
Jackson drew criticism from players and parents alike, many explaining that his “trust the process” technique of coaching did not work well with kids who had never touched a football before.
“I know that Coach Jackson just wanted us to find our own path and have a fun casual experience,” 10-year-old quarterback Noah Freedman says, “but I still have no idea what the hell a first down is. I’ve been throwing the football underhand for the past twelve weeks and I just learned that isn’t ideal.”
There is a silver lining for Freedman, however, as John Elway saw his inability to throw a football and immediately signed him as the Broncos’ new starting quarterback.
Many of Jackson’s flaws as Cleveland’s head coach came back to haunt him in the less competitive but still-technically-a-football league.
“He still couldn’t hold players accountable for their actions,” Rubber Ducks parent and guy who has seen a football game Jim Sherman says. “One of the players took a dump on the 15-yard line and Hue gave him a pat on the back like it was nothing. One of the offensive linemen was smoking a joint during the snap. The kid is nine!”
Jackson, who owns a career 3-36-1 record in the NFL, didn’t see what was so bad with his season.
“I’ve done the exact same thing on the professional level, had the exact same record, treated the players exactly the same, and I got another year out of my contract,” the former Bengals offensive coordinator told The Second String.
Jackson’s combined stats as head coach between the Browns and Rubber Ducks leave his career record at 3-48-1. Jackson is to be replaced as head coach by literally anyone who has ever heard of football before.