Scouting Report: Is Zion Williamson Really Just Three Kids in a Trenchcoat?

by Alex Poletti

With the NBA draft just two months away, The Second String brings a new series where our team of analysts dissect every aspect of a prospect’s game to see if they are really worth a top ten lottery pick. Here, we start with number one:

The undisputed first overall pick for the 2019 draft is Duke’s Zion Williamson. Williamson put up monster numbers in his freshman season for the Blue Devils, averaging 22 points and 9 rebounds a game en route to being named the AP College Basketball Player of the Year, becoming just the third freshman in history to claim that award.

The other two freshmen are Kevin Durant and Anthony Davis, showing Zion’s prestigious company. At 6’7 and 285 pounds, Williamson seems to be the perfect forward. However, something seems awry.

After Second String analysts crunched the numbers and looked at Williamson’s build, it became increasingly likely that Zion Williamson is three kids in a trenchcoat.

Zion’s incredible spin moves make it seem like his upper body and lower body are doing completely different things. This is probably because they are, with the legs being operated by the bottom small child in the trench coat and the arms by the middle.

This also explains Zion’s shoe accident against North Carolina: the physics of the situation suggest that it would be very difficult for Zion to bust through a shoe. However, the added mass and force of three bodies would be much more likely to experience a similar shoe burst.

“Inertia really is the name of the game here,” The Second String lead physicist Gabe Radtke says. “When you have one object tending to continue forward, it only takes so much force to stop it. However, three objects stacked on top of each other, dependent on the friction coefficient of course, are much harder to stop. Clearly, the force exerted adds up in the situation where we have three small children in a trenchcoat. It’s really the only plausible explanation.”

While some may see this as duplicity, The Second String takes this as a show of extraordinary commitment. For Zion to be three children in a trenchcoat, this charade must have been a part of the athlete’s life for years. Someone who puts this much effort into his basketball career should be commended.

Although it seems pretty clear cut that the Duke forward is three children in a trenchcoat, one thing can’t be overlooked: the hops.

As a rising freshman at Duke’s combine event in 2018, the Spartansburg native broke records with his 40-inch vertical. This doesn’t seem too reasonable for three children in a trenchcoat. This is why our leading theory is now that Zion Williamson is really just two kids and a pogo stick under a trenchcoat.

The measurements of a child on the shoulders of another child on a pogo stick add up almost exactly to 6’7, the height of the All-American. Now, the secret behind his hops and handles has been discovered.

So, is Zion Williamson still worthy of a number one selection? Absolutely. The commitment of these two children and their pogo stick is reason enough, but the tangible athleticism and high-scoring ability puts this Duke product over the top. As long as a team can afford arbitration for two children down the line, this pick is worth the hype.

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One thought on “Scouting Report: Is Zion Williamson Really Just Three Kids in a Trenchcoat?”

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