by Alex Poletti
After a lengthy legal battle, Major League Baseball has officially announced that players from the San Francisco Giants’ aging core can bring their oxygen tanks onto the field when they play, according to a joint statement between the team and the league.
This is a big win for the Giants, perhaps the only one they’ll have all season. For the first half of April, Giants players have struggled to keep up with the younger players on competing teams.
“I can’t run with these young whippersnappers,” third baseman Evan Longoria says, who just collected his first medicare check on Tuesday. “My legs ain’t what they used to be.”
The aging process has not been kind to the Giants core, who won three World Series rings in the first half of the decade. With offense declining and many members of the 2014 team now entering their mid-30s, actions had to be taken.
“I want to stand up for my players,” owner Larry Baer says, “many of whom can no longer stand by themselves without some aid.”
The oxygen tanks should help with the stamina of Giants infielders, who have previously been tuckered out just by jogging from the dugout to their position. For the outfielders, the situation is a bit more difficult.
“We understand that our older outfielders can’t lift the tank while they run,” Baer continues. “It hurts their backs too much. That’s why our lawyers are gearing up for a fight to allow walkers on the field.”
Despite the downward trends in production seeming to correspond with the aging process, the Giants have remained adamant that the old age of their players doesn’t affect their play.
“I think it’s fine if we have some veteran presence in the clubhouse,” manager Bruce Bochy says. “And when I say veteran, I mean it. Some of our players still have flashbacks from ‘Nam.”
The Giants are hoping to turn things around in the upcoming years under the control of baseball guru Farhan Zaidi, who previously worked for the Dodgers. Zaidi’s strategy involves building through the draft instead of spending big on older players in free agency.
“It is important that this team gets younger,” Zaidi says, “and we’re on our way. Just a few weeks ago we traded for catcher Erik Kratz, who’s only 38. He brought our average age down by a year!”