by Alex Poletti
An astonishing game five performance and series win against the Oklahoma City Thunder was soon tainted as a box of Wheaties was discovered in Portland Trail Blazers point guard Damian Lillard’s locker. The delicious and nutritious cereal was banned by the NBA in 2017 for being too delicious and nutritious, leading to unparalleled performance enhancement.
This has led the NBA to suspend Lillard for seven games, effective immediately. He is currently appealing the suspension.
It is unknown whether the six-year NBA veteran has been starting his day off with Wheaties for a prolonged period of time or if this was just an extra push for the playoff series against the Thunder. Either way, the effects were clear, as Lillard scored a jaw-dropping 50 points in game five, including a buzzer-beater three point shot to win the game.
“This is disgraceful,” Trail Blazers head coach Terry Stotts says of the former Rookie of the Year. “We play with honesty. Now, Wheaties will taint this team’s legacy forever.”
Wheaties were first introduced in 1924 and began featuring athletes on the cover of its boxes a decade later. Perhaps by eating the breakfast of champions, Lillard suspected he would absorb the supernatural ability of the athletes who have graced its cover, such as Bill Russell and Steph Curry.
“I don’t know how that classic General Mills breakfast cereal ended up in my locker,” Lillard says. “I was just playing my game, I certainly have not put any illicit substance such as whole wheat flakes into my body.”
If Lillard is telling the truth, then he must have been framed. Twitter users and Stephen A. Smith alike have been concocting conspiracy theories about how the box might have ended up in the all star’s locker.
The prevalent theory is currently is that Lillard was framed by the Boston Celtics as a preemptive measure in case both teams make it to the finals. The evidence? The box itself.
“If Damian was really using wheaties, he’d have the most recent box,” Smith, a television analyst and man you’d expect to where a tin-foil hat in his spare time says. “That box has Russell Wilson on it. This box was the Kyrie Irving box. Now who would have one of those? Kyrie Irving. He’s on the Celtics. Coincidence?”
Regardless, Thunder players have already started to call foul play, including 2017 MVP Russell Westbrook.
“No wonder this guy is scoring 50, he has the help of a delicious and nutritious breakfast!” Westbrook said in a postgame interview. “And who knew that him eating Wheaties could cause me to score just one point in the second half of game four? Did you know Wheaties had that effect?”