Tyreek Hill Uses Elite Speed to Evade NFL Commissioner’s Exempt List

by Alex Poletti

Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Tyreek Hill used his phenomenal speed this past week when running away from accusations of child abuse after a disturbing phone call between him and his fiancee surfaced.

Sources tell The Second String that Hill was just too fast to be put on the Commissioner’s exempt list. Whether this means that he actually evaded league officials or his speed was too much of an asset to the league and its revenue is yet to be clarified.

The phone call seems to include evidence that Hill was involved in the breaking of his three-year-old child’s arm. The tape also included Hill telling his fiancee that she should be “terrified of him.”

While the contents of the phone call seemed like an impetus for the NFL to act on this case, Hill’s speed was too much.

“Tyreek is a fast dude,” Arthur McAfee, Senior Vice President of Player Engagement for the NFL says. “We just couldn’t catch up with him, being a bunch of unathletic old dudes and all.”

Hill has garnered a reputation as one of the game’s elite speedsters, recording a blazing fast 4.24 40-yard dash, drawing comparisons to Usain Bolt. He also choked his girlfriend or something or whatever.

Due to their inability to punish the wide receiver, the NFL has lived up to its sterling reputation of combating abuse in the league. Some criticism has arisen, however, based on discrepancies with McAfee’s record of events.

“No one was chasing after Hill,” an anonymous source at the scene tells The Second String. “They were just sitting there drinking coffee and eating donuts.”

The Chiefs, however, have had more success. Hill’s speed was not enough for his team, who successfully suspended him after the phone call surfaced. This is the second time the Chiefs have taken a stance against domestic abuse, after releasing Kareem Hunt.

“It’s certainly a sad series of events,” McAfee says. “I mean, the Chiefs had such a prominent offense with great weapons for Patrick Mahomes. Oh, you were asking about the abuse? Yeah, that’s sad too I guess.”

Like McAfee, Tyreek Hill himself has shown remorse. In an uncharacteristic display by NFL players, the pro bowler spoke out to The Second String.

“Honestly, it’s a shame, I admit it,” Hill says. “It’s truly one of the biggest regrets of my life, and I wish things played out differently. If I could do it again, I would’ve tried to get a better start against the Chiefs so they couldn’t get me either.”

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