With Bartolo Colon Still Unsigned, MLB Considers Calling It Quits

by Alex Poletti

Though the 2019 season has been filled with excitement, from hot starts from Cody Bellinger and Christian Yelich to surprise first place teams like the Rays and Twins, one thing remains missing from Major League Baseball this year: Big Sexy.

Starting pitcher and People’s Sexiest Man of the Year Bartolo Colon still has not signed with a team, despite being in the prime of his career at a youthful 45. Without Bartolo, many are having trouble finding a reason to keep on supporting America’s Pastime.

“I’ll be honest, the passion isn’t there any more,” league commissioner Rob Manfred says. “I used to love this game and everything about it, but now, without him, I’m realizing it may have just been him that I loved, and the passion for the game followed.”

Without the army of Bartolo Colon fans, stadiums have seen attendance drops. Lacking the blazing 88 MPH fastballs of the Puerto Plata native, the game has lost its zeal.

“Every time I hit a homer, I just think of the time Bartolo did it,” American League home run leader George Springer says. “I feel like I can never measure up to that moment.”

Bartolo Colon is the winningest pitcher from the Dominican Republic, with 247 big league dubs to his name thus far. At 5’11 and 285 pounds, Colon’s figure is the envy of every athlete. Despite his prowess, teams have not jumped at the chance to have his talent on their roster.

“Sure, maybe he hasn’t been great over the past few years,” former teammate Adrian Beltre says of Colon, “but he’s still Bartolo. Clayton Kershaw wasn’t himself last year, either, but you don’t see him losing any money.”

Both pitchers experienced down years in 2018, as Colon’s ERA sky-rocketed to 5.78. Kershaw had his worst season since 2010, finishing the year with a 2.73 ERA and a horrendous 1.04 WHIP.

This has all led Manfred and other high ranking executives to contemplate disbanding MLB all together now that its star seems to be gone for good.

“What’s the point of having baseball without Bartolo?” Manfred says, tears welling in his eyes. “I just don’t know why we should continue.”

Even the players who make their living on Major League Baseball support the decision.

“Sure, I got a $400 million contract before the season,” perennial MVP candidate Mike Trout says. “But I’d give it all back just to watch Bartolo swing so hard his helmet falls off one more time.”

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