In Extraordinary Show of Leadership, Ben Roethlisberger Eats Entire Box of Krispy Kreme By Himself

by Alex Poletti

To show Steelers management and the world that he is truly one of the NFL’s greatest team leaders, quarterback Ben Roethlisberger took it upon himself to eat an entire dozen Krispy Kreme donuts without help from teammates or friends on Friday.

“I still have what it takes to lead this team to the playoffs,” Roethlisberger said as he took a bite out of his fourth donut. “This is true leadership right here.”

Antonio Brown once said that if a teammate calls out Big Ben, “they meal ticket gone.” If Friday’s showing is any indication, that means Roethlisberger will literally take their food.

Throughout the Steelers’ disastrous 2018-2019 season, fingers turned to Big Ben, who has often been cited as caring more about himself than the rest of his team. He took umbrage with former Steelers wideout Antonio Brown after a week 12 loss to the Broncos, and has since then admitted he was partially at fault for Brown’s fallout with the organization. In order to prove skeptics wrong, Roethlisberger pulled out the Krispy Kreme.

“You don’t think I’m a good enough leader, huh?” the 2018 passing yards leader said, crumbs spilling down his XL tee shirt. “Well this should show you. Hey JuJu, yeah I see you in the corner, do you want a donut? Well fuck you, how does that make you feel?”

Such is the amazing guidance one would expect from the man who helmed a Steelers team that has never had any drama whatsoever. Roethlisberger also took the time to show off his outstanding physique, with the glazed crumbles from the Kripsy Kreme donuts perfectly tumbling down his chiseled beer gut.

“You all wish you could be in this shape,” Roethlisberger told the gaggle of reporters around him, referring to the hourglass figure he possesses. “When you have two rings, you best believe you can eat a dozen donuts.”

After the fracas of the Steelers’ season, management decided it was best to resign their quarterback to a two-year deal worth $63 million until his age 39 season. Many are weary of this deal, as Roethlisberger has clashed with teammates and failed to lead his team to the postseason, despite Super Bowl aspirations. However, management has stuck by their decision.

“Have you seen this guy?” Steelers owner Art Rooney II said, pointing at Roethlisberger as he washed down his eleventh donut with a bottle of Yuengling lager. “The way this guy looks and eats, there’s no one to better represent the city of Pittsburgh.”

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