Thirty-something White Dude Has Time of His Life at Indy 500

by Alex Poletti

The biggest day in American auto racing has come and gone, and no one enjoyed the spectacle more than 30-something-year-old white dude Jimmy McFarland, who gleefully sat in the stands for over three hours.

While the Indy 500 ended with Simon Pagenaud drinking the milk, the true victor of the day was McFarland, who got to sit through hours of drivers making left turns at high speeds.

“Honestly bro, this is the highlight of my year,” the Carmel, IN resident says. “Nothing beats getting away from the wife and kids to watch a bunch of dudes drive around for a while. This is the best thing to do in Indiana.”

McFarland, who still follows the goings-on of his college fraternity, could be seen with painted face and beer in hand, cheering consistently from lap one to 200.

McFarland’s enjoyment of the event is not altogether surprising, according to Indiana University anthropologist Dr. Tanya Fontenot, who specializes in White Boy culture.

“People often remark that White people have no culture, but anthropologically speaking, that’s incorrect,” Fontenot explains. “And there are few indications of this more apparent than the Indy 500. Especially in this geographic region, the Indy 500 holds the second most significance of any event in White Boy culture, sandwiched between Bruce Springsteen concerts and kayaking trips with the boys at your cabin.”

If one asks McFarland himself why he loves the event so much, he’ll give a passionate, albeit less articulate, response.

“This race is just the balls, man,” McFarland, who is colloquially referred to as Bubba, says. “They just zoom around that track like no one’s business, it’s tight as hell dude. Not to mention, the winner drinks milk at the end? Way to get that calcium.”

The day is especially fun for McFarland, as he gets to trade in his usual garb for a more patriotic outfit. Gone are the polo shirt, backwards hat and Vineyard Vines accoutrement. Instead, the unfortunate father of two wears a painted American flag on his patchy-haired chest with board shorts to match.

While the Indy 500 is clearly this man’s life passion, he may be looking to make it more than a hobby going forward.

“Honestly, I’d love to race at some point,” McFarland says. “I mean, I already have like seven speeding tickets, so I think I’m qualified.”

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