In Honor of First Finals Appearance, Raptors to Release Real Dinosaur on Crowd

by Alex Poletti

To live up to the hype of the organization’s first ever Finals appearance, Toronto Raptors management has announced that they will unleash a real, genetically-engineered Raptor to descend upon the masses at halftime of game one.

The series will start in Toronto at Maple Leaf Square, colloquially referred to as Jurassic Park during basketball season. Honoring the name, Raptors president Masai Ujiri decided now was the right time to pull the trigger.

“We are excited to announce our biggest interactive fan experience yet,” Ujiri says. “Amid the excitement of the game, fans will now run the risk of being completely devoured by a dangerous, genetically-engineered prehistoric creature. We think it will be a fun and unforgettable experience for the whole family.”

Inspired by the Spielberg movie series, the Raptors have been in contact with University of Toronto engineers for the past few years. Apparently, the technology has been available for a couple of months, but the researchers wanted a massive event to accompany this outstanding scientific discovery. When the Raptors’ prospects were looking up, things fell into place.

“We utilized a pioneering scientific process to create the raptor, a creature that hasn’t existed since the Late Cretaceous Period,” Vivek Goel, Vice President of Research and Innovation at Toronto, says. “But we wanted to make the unveiling of this project something special. That’s why we partnered with something equally as rare: a good Raptors team.”

Of course, the experience will differ depending on where each fan is seated. From the nosebleed seats, Torontonians will only look onto the chaos below, while courtside, fans will be given complimentary glasses of water to place on the ground and watch shake as the dinosaur approaches, recreating the famous scene from the first “Jurassic Park” movie. Fans with Standing Room tickets will be served as chum to lure the raptor out of its cage.

Unfortunately, fans will not be able to see players interact with the dinosaur, as the raptor would rip Kawhi Leonard’s throat out because it’s a fucking dinosaur. Thusly, players and coaches will remain in their respective locker rooms until the threat is safely contained.

“I know that this is going to be a little dangerous,” league commissioner Adam Silver, who was briefed on Toronto’s plans, says. “But sometimes you have to take risks to have a truly entertaining and competitive league. Maybe if the raptor eats a few Warriors players, this could actually be an even series. Best case scenario, though, we won’t have to listen to another Drake album.”

One thought on “In Honor of First Finals Appearance, Raptors to Release Real Dinosaur on Crowd”

  1. Why not just release the raptors in the Warriors locker room. With a little luck, that might be enough for the Raptors to beat the Warriors!

    Like

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