by Alex Poletti
After winning game one of the 2019 NBA Finals against the Golden State Warriors by a score of 118-109, the Toronto Raptors have announced that, due to their polite Canadian nature, they will not win the second game of the series.
“It would be awful rude of us to take two in a row from ‘em, eh?” Raptors president Masai Ujiri says. “And we want to be grateful hosts, of course, so we think well let ‘em have this one.”
Led by outstanding performances from forwards Pascal Siakam and Kawhi Leonard, Toronto cruised to its first Finals victory in franchise history. With that under the belt, however, manners now hold priority.
“We don’t want to beat up on them to bad, now,” Leonard, a recent inductee into Canadian culture, says. “I mean, they are very injured. It’s not very nice to pick on the little guys.”
This is not the first way Canadian customs have seeped into the Finals experience. Along with the courtside Drake appearances, Warriors players and coaches have been met with the nicest heckles they’ve ever experienced.
“Oh now, I hope you have a nice day and all, but I would like my team to beatcha if you don’t mind me saying so,” one heckler was heard saying.
Their heckles ranged from polite to helpful, with some Toronto fans even offering favors and gifts as they attempted to dis the visiting California team.
“It was a very strange experience,” Warriors head coach Steve Kerr says. “It was the second quarter, and someone offered to fly out to San Francisco and mow my lawn. It was a pretty extreme heckle, I’ll admit.”
While the Raptors are holding steadfast to their position of letting the Warriors win game two, analysts aren’t taking so kindly to the idea, explaining that evening up the series could prove detrimental to their chances of winning their first Larry O’Brien Trophy, with Kevin Durant likely returning for game three.
“Maybe it’s not the most effective system, but that’s how we Canadians do,” Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment CEO Michael Friisdahl, whose company owns the Raptors, says. “We aren’t known for getting things done. Look at our contribution to world history. We basically supply the beaver hides and that’s it.”