by Alex Poletti
As the Major League Baseball season nears its halfway mark, the San Francisco Giants have begun their search for their next manager after longtime skipper Bruce Bochy announced he would retire at the end of the year. In order to meet the needs of the aging core, the front office has reportedly included nursing home attendant Drake Fisher on their shortlist of managerial candidates.
“We really want someone who can speak to our players,” President of Baseball Operations and guy who may still be working undercover for the Dodgers Farhan Zaidi says. “We’d also like our new manager to take them on walks, remind them to take their medicine and help them eat split pea soup.”
Once a successful franchise, winning three World Series in five years in the first half of the decade, the Giants have quickly fallen off due to a decline in production from their aging star players. They currently sit at 24-34, good enough for the second worst mark in the National League.
The front office has also asked for player input to find their next manager, as many of the stars are the same age as CEO Larry Baer.
“I don’t want one of those young whipper snappers, always playing their loud rock music,” shortstop Brandon Crawford says, knitting in a rocking chair. “That’s what I liked about Boch, he had such a low voice that it didn’t irritate my sensitive ears.”
Thus, Drake Fisher comes into the mix. Fisher has been working at the Sequoias San Francisco retirement community for the last seven years, forming a rapport with the residents unmatched by other attendants. His ability to work with the elderly and his Nor Cal upbringing make him a perfect candidate for the job.
“Really, this guy has everything we want,” Zaidi says. “He knows the area well, the commute wouldn’t kill him and he’d help our players through the twilight phase of their careers.”
Although Fisher seems like the perfect candidate, some downsides include his unrefined baseball acumen and lack of experience in a leadership role. However, the Giants believe his positives outweigh his negatives.
“I don’t really know a whole lot about baseball, honestly,” Fisher says. “But I do think I’d be really good with these players. They seem like a great group of guys, and I could do a lot for them. I probably wouldn’t be great at setting lineups or pulling starters, but I could definitely read them guys a book before they go to bed or calm them down when they get curmudgeonly after a bad bocce ball game.”
After the shortlist was leaked to the public with Fisher’s name at the top, criticism came rolling in that the Giants are more interested in keeping their players content than winning or serving the fan base.
“Have you seen our record over the past few years?” Zaidi says. “Clearly, winning is not a priority for us.”