Breaking: Raptors Hired Tonya Harding to Give Warriors Nancy Kerrigan Treatment

by Alex Poletti

In a shocking discovery by two San Francisco private investigators, a conspiracy has been revealed in which the Toronto Raptors hired Tonya Harding as a consultant to injure several members of the Golden State Warriors team, including Kevin Durant, Klay Thompson and DeMarcus Cousins.

This all started when private investigators Jonah Gittes and Steward Spade noticed Warriors players getting injured at an alarming rate, putting them at a severe disadvantage in the Finals. Rather than chalk things up to unfortunate coincidence and a complete apathy on behalf of Kevin Durant, the two private eyes decided to look further to see if something was amiss.

“We first started by looking at the payroll for the Toronto Raptors,” Gittes says. “We went through just about every sect of their organization until we got to their athletic trainers. A consultant, T. Price, was listed for an exorbitant amount of money, far more than any of the trainers.”

While at first the name may seem innocuous, everything changes when it’s realized that Tonya Harding has taken her husband Joseph’s last name: Price.

“That’s when we know we had something,” Spade continues. “At first, this was just to ease our dissatisfaction, but once we saw that, we knew there was something the world had to know.”

This discovery was made after game one of the NBA Finals. Keeping a keen eye on the game and the payroll, the dicks noticed an increase in T. Price’s salary whenever a Warriors player would exit due to injury or awkwardly clutch the back of his leg as he limped across the court.

Price, née Harding, is most known for the scandal involving fellow figure skater Nancy Kerrigan, in which Harding’s former husband Jeff Gillooly hired Shane Stant to knee-cap a bitch like there was no tomorrow. With her grand experience of injuring superior athletes, it seemed like Price was the perfect choice for the underdog Raptors.

“Of course, that was only the start of our research,” Spade says. “Out of the two of us, I am the skeptic, so I was the one who really dug into this case once we cracked it open. Obviously, there are some stark differences. Mainly where on the leg the injury occurred. The modus operandi is also very different, as there seemed to be no police baton in sight. Regardless, there’s still a hell of a case here.”

The Second String is yet to confirm whether T. Price is, in fact, Tonya Harding, but it seems likely given how few T. Prices there are in the world. Mainly, for the two detectives involved, this isn’t about bringing the Raptors to justice, but rather explaining why the Warriors are struggling.

“This is just for us, really,” Gittes says. “It’s good to know that there is some massive conspiracy that protects my fragile pride as a Warriors fan.”

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