by Alex Poletti
News broke on Saturday of a blockbuster trade sending Anthony Davis out west to become LeBron James’ right-hand man in Los Angeles. Now, the details have been released, showing that the return for Davis was steep; in total, the Pelicans will receive Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram, Josh Hart, three first-round draft picks, and two first-born children.
“Honestly, our goal here is to win championships,” new Lakers general manager Rob Pelinka says. “And it doesn’t matter the cost. Even if that cost was my beautiful three-year-old daughter, whom I will probably never see again.”
Though it may be too early to definitively say, it’s believed in the industry that the first-born children will be taken from Pelinka and newly-anointed head coach Frank Vogel.
“We all have to pay a price to be a part of this organization,” Vogel says with tears in his eyes as he fondly glances at a photo of his oldest daughter Alexa. “That’s what family is about, right? It’s about sacrifice. Sometimes that comes in missing birthdays to be with the team, sometimes it comes in forfeiting all legal rights to your oldest daughter to get LeBron a playmate.”
Executive Vice President of Basketball Operations for the Pelicans David Griffin explains that the children have more value now that they’re already born. Alongside promising talents like Ingram and Ball, Griffin and the Pelicans get some top-notch children, including a veteran tenth-grader to add to the mix.
“It’s hard to predict the career trajectory of children in utero,” Griffin says. “Some never even make it to the show. It’s even harder when no one’s pregnant yet, because then you have to worry about who the other parent will be, which can really screw up the child. I think we have some projectable children that are really going to make a difference in the organization.”
According to sources familiar with the deal who are not able to discuss it publicly, the children were a last minute addition to appease Griffin, who was still feeling uncertain of the deal.
“At first, we were just going to trade the cities,” Griffin explains. “So the Pelicans would get to play in Los Angeles and the Lakers would move to New Orleans. However, it became clear that wasn’t going to materialize, so the Lakers threw in some players, picks and children.”
There seems to be some remorse on behalf of the Lakers, who think they may have given up too much for the six-time All-Star.
“I think we could’ve gotten at least a second-born in return,” Pelinka says. “There was talk of us only giving up two third-borns, but we’d have to throw in at least another first-round pick, and children just aren’t worth that. Hopefully, this serves as a chip on Anthony’s shoulder to play hard during the seasons to come.”
This trade sets the Lakers up nicely for the 2019-2020 season, as James and Davis form one of the most formidable duos in the NBA. This could also be fruitful for LeBron James’ film career, as Anthony Davis is more likely to co-star in “Space Jam 2.” This may be difficult, however, as Davis looks like he should be playing on the Monstars.
The trade does have one out, however, that could get the children back.
“I will give you three days time,” Griffin says. “If by that time you find out the name of the next Pelicans GM after I’m inevitably fired, then shall you keep your child.”