by Alex Poletti
That one 30-something white guy who is way too into a casual game of pick-up basketball is still emphatically clapping, sources report to The Second String. Other reports suggest that he is also shouting “let’s go” while pumping his fists after his latest three pointer.
The man has been IDed as Brent Woodward, a local sales representative. He was invited to the pick-up game, hosted at a nearby children’s playground, by a couple of work associates.
“We were just looking to play some nice three-on-three basketball with some of my pals from college,” Woodward’s work friend Dan Schwartz says. “Our sixth bailed, so I asked Brent if he would be willing to play. I knew he was into basketball because he had some trinkets in his cubicle. I just didn’t know it would go this far.”
Woodward apparently showed up to the game thirty minutes early in full gear, including a pair of Under Armor Curry 5s which cost half of the basketball enthusiast’s March salary.
“I need them for that extra traction,” Woodward says while attempting and failing to dribble a basketball through his legs. “Any edge I can get on these guys, I’ll take.”
During his pregame warm-up, which included listening to “You’re The Best Around” on repeat, the season-ticket holder took 100 three-point shots, making seven. After every shot made, he would call himself champ in a hushed tone and nod his head determinedly. He was also quick to make excuses when the shots didn’t go in.
“Damn, the wind was blowing really hard for a second there,” Woodward says. There was no wind all morning. “I gotta work on my launch angle a bit more.”
Woodward continued to mime his angle until it was perfect, after which he missed three more in a row before finally draining one.
When the game started, Woodward continually called for the ball, despite being heavily guarded by Schwartz’s longtime friend David Thomspon, who played basketball in college.
“That new guy Brett was always trying to cross me up,” Thompson recalls. “He would run really fast and then break, but he could never really stop himself all the way. By the third time that happened, he was breathing very heavily. It was a bit concerning.”
When Woodward finally got the ball, he made his shot. The ball hit the backboard and swirled around the rim before going in.
“Oh baby, that’s a swish right there!” Woodward said, starting to clap for himself. “Kawhi ain’t got nothing on me, baby, let’s go!”
According to The Second String analytics team, Kawhi Leonard has two Finals MVPs, two Defensive POY Awards, three All-NBA selections and about $94.3 million on Woodward. After the shot, Woodward tried to argue it was a three-pointer, despite being about 10 feet inside the arc.
With the score an even 18-18, Woodward tripped and fell in pursuit of the ball. Reports confirm that he only skinned his knee, but he took his NBA acting to the next level.
“That’s the Achilles right there,” Woodward soliloquized. “That one hurts. It’s torn, all right. It’s okay though, I’ve got this. I’m not a pussy like Kevin Durant.”
Without help from his teammates, Woodward got up and applauded himself for playing through such a traumatic injury.