by Alex Poletti
Always an overachiever, 1968 Heisman Winner and guy who isn’t notable for anything else O.J. Simpson has already started assembling his fantasy football squad. While talent certainly enters into his decision, the Juice made it clear on his Twitter account that character was the determining factor in who he took. That’s how his first picks ended up being Kareem Hunt and Tyreek Hill.
“Follow my methods and you will be sure to win your league this year!” Simpson tweeted from his new account. “If I did it, then you can too. If you draft players that share my moral backbone, you’ll end up with a real murderers’ row. A bunch of guys who can go off at any second.”
O.J.’s own guide to morality led him to select Browns running back Kareem Hunt with his first overall selection. Hunt has the ability to rush over 100 yards per game and has decent catching ability out of the backfield. However, he is suspended for the first eight games of the season for attacking a woman in a Cleveland Hotel.
“It’s a tossup at number one for me between Hunt and Hill,” O.J. says. “In the end, I chose Kareem just for kicks. I’ve seen the tape on him, this guy’s legit.”
For the second pick, Simpson went with his gut and took Hunt’s former teammate, Kansas City wideout Tyreek Hill. Hill went off last season with 1,479 yards and 12 touchdowns, barely neglecting his child and beating his girlfriend.
“I like Tyreek because you’re going to get a solid 16 games out of him,” the best-selling author says, referring to the fact that Hill evaded the Commissioner’s exempt list. “Plus, this guy keeps on running. It’s like he has a huge battery case with him.”
With his third pick, Simpson shocked the world for the first time in his sterling career by selecting the Washington Redskins defense. Although defenses are seldom taken this high in a draft, the “Naked Gun” star explains that this was merely to support the standup Reuben Foster.
There were a few red herring selections by the former Bills star, as Baker Mayfield and Jarvis Landry don’t have any history of domestic abuse, nor were they acquitted of double homicide in a massive public trial. However, it seems that there is a relation, as Jarvis Landry shares O.J.’s nickname, “Juice,” and they both play for the most represented team on O.J.’s roster, Cleveland.
“I really like the Browns,” O.J. continues. “In my experience, the Browns can have a killer season out of nowhere. Sometimes though, the Browns end up choking. And if the Browns betray you and have a bad season, that’s really a knife in the back. However, I still think the Browns are worth taking a stab at.”
O.J. then announced that he will only be participating in one league this year with some of his close friends, aptly named “The Lady Killers.”