Baseball World Shocked to Discover that Pitcher Who Was Never Good but Suddenly is Good Taking Drugs that Make Him Good

by Luke DePalatis

Major League Baseball announced earlier today that Oakland Athletics pitcher Frankie Montas has been suspended 80 games for his use of the performance enhancing drug Ostarine. The announcement comes as a shock to the baseball world, who has been admiring Montas’ surgence in this season. Montas proudly owns a 9-2 record with a dazzling 2.70 ERA through 90 innings pitched.

“We are saddened to announce that Frankie Montas has been suspended after testing positive for performance enhancing drugs,” Athletics manager Bob Melvin says. “It came as a complete shock to me and the Athletics organization as a whole, and we’re all heartbroken over the news. I mean, it was pretty obvious he was on something, but still, it’s heartbreaking to hear he got caught.”

This suspension comes as a major blow to the Athletics, who are hot in the race for the AL Wild Card after several centuries of “rebuilding.” Montas was emerging as their ace and one of the most effective pitchers in baseball, a sharp turn from his previous seasons, where he had been the MLB equivalent of the kid who gets picked last in dodgeball.

“I really thought this was his year,” Athletics President of Baseball Operations Billy Beane says. “I know a lot about being a bad, over-hyped baseball player, and I really saw that potential in Frankie. When he actually started performing well, I knew something was wrong.” Billy Beane then began to stare blankly out the window before commenting, “I wonder if I should’ve taken steroids…”

The news has seemingly punched the spirit out of the hearts of the Oakland Athletics fanbase.

“I never expected an average pitcher to be taking steroids to make him better,” tweets A’s fan Don Wilson.

The Montas scandal is the latest in the long string of steroid transgressions in the history of sports, let alone baseball. After so many huge names have turned to steroids, many are wondering which active athletes are cheating their way to the top. After all, if a guy with Montas’ stats is taking steroids, what is Clayton Kershaw taking?

“All this fuss over steroids is overblown, in my opinion,” Melvin concludes. “There have been so many amazing moments and incredible displays of raw physical integrity in sports. Sammy Sosa’s three years with over 60 home runs. Clemens’ triple crown. Bonds’ 756. There’s no need to make steroids out as a bigger problem then they really are.”

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