by Alex Poletti
After disappointing viewership for the first night of the 2019 Democratic Debate, MSNBC has decided to change its tactics by presenting its second debate as a WWE event, in which all ten of the candidates will square off in the ring while shouting about issues such as healthcare and immigration.
“We didn’t quite get the numbers we were hoping for last night,” MSNBC president Phil Griffin says. “We want these candidates to reach as many people as possible so all of the voters at home can be informed. I don’t see a better way to disseminate information than watching an aging Joe Biden piledriver Kristin Gillibrand.”
The debate stage in Miami is being traded in for a wrestling ring, while candidates will trade in business attire for bodysuits. Podiums will not be provided, unless they are being used for hardcore shots.
Getting the WWE involved was a hard endeavor, given that CEO and real-life cartoon villain Vince McMahon is a staunch supporter of the Republican party. However, after thinking the event over, McMahon changed his tune.
“I’ll admit, at first I was a little skeptical about the idea,” McMahon admits. “But then I thought about how similar the WWE and DNC really are. We’re both corporations run by billionaires that have been out of touch with those beneath us. It’s a match made in heaven.”
A source close to the debate tells The Second String that answers have already been scripted for all the candidates to keep the entertainment value up. Along polling lines, Joe Biden and Sen. Kamala Harris have been written as heels, while Mayor Pete Buttegieg and up-and-comer Andrew Yang are faces.
“If this debate turns out to be a success,” Griffin says, “then we’ll continue to develop these wrestling storylines as the debates progress. Maybe, if we get enough support, we can sponsor a debate in Saudi Arabia for our Middle Eastern consumers.”
This new debate style should also help less recognizable candidates gain notoriety, such as Rep. Eric Swalwell, who has the facial structure to be an actual WWE Wrestler. In order to gain more fans and press coverage, it is speculated that Swalwell will reprise his “Bahama Bob” character from his college years.
“I actually held a fake debate when I was running for congress,” Swalwell recalls, “so I should have some experience in this field. If people get bored of my monotone voice or uninteresting face, maybe hitting Bernie Sanders with a chair will get my numbers up.”
The Democratic Super Slam will be held tonight on MSNBC at 9 p.m. Eastern.