Report Finds Giants Players Purposefully Tanking to Stay in San Francisco

by Alex Poletti

A shocking two-month long study by The Second String spotlight team has revealed that members of the San Francisco Giants are intentionally playing poorly to avoid getting traded and having to leave the city by the bay.

“As soon as a player dons a San Francisco Giants uniform, their numbers, whether offensive or defensive, go way down,” the spotlight division’s 30-page dossier reads. “This is not because of bad coaching, but a strong desire to stay in Northern California, which necessitates poor performance to decrease their trade value.”

As the Giants enter full tank-mode, any player with any value whatsoever is susceptible to getting shipped off to a contender. Although athletes usually yearn for a chance to make the postseason, San Francisco players admit it isn’t worth it if you need to move to Milwaukee to pursue a championship.

“Of course I want to win another World Series,” former All-Star second baseman Joe Panik, who is currently batting .237, says. “But I’m really not interested in having to move to Cleveland, Texas or Atlanta.”

Generally, San Francisco is one of the nicest places to live in the United States, with one of the only caveats being affordability. However, with a league minimum pay of $500 thousand and the San Francisco’s propensity for shelling out long contracts to aging players, the Giants can comfortably buy an apartment in the city without going on foodstamps.

“Am I the same player I was in 2014?” Madison Bumgarner says. “Absolutely. But I’m not going to play like that. If my ERA wasn’t above 4.00 as it is right now, I’d already be on the Yankees and Clint Frazier would be furnishing my studio apartment in the Embarcadero. I’m not about to let that shit go down.”

The longing to live in the Bay Area explains why only four Giants players are hitting above .250 and Shaun Anderson leads all starters with a 3.94 ERA. As players begin to heat up, they are given stern warnings from their teammates.

“As soon as I hit my first home run, some buddies took me aside and started talking to me,” recent call-up Alex Dickerson, who has been torching the league the last week, recalls. “They asked if I liked the sourdough here, and of course I said yes. Then they told me that the sourdough in Philadelphia tastes like crap. I got the message.”

Although the league has been alerted of the nefarious actions of the organization, no punitive measures will be taken.

“If they were trying, their record wouldn’t be any different,” MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says.

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