Puig’s Bat Really Not Okay with All the Licking

by Alex Poletti

In an exclusive one-on-one interview with The Second String, Yasiel Puig’s bat revealed that it’s actually not a big fan of getting licked all the time, despite the right fielder consistently doing so.

“I can’t say this was a mutual decision,” the maple bat says of Puig’s habit. “He just started licking me all the time and it doesn’t feel great. I wish he would stop if I’m being completely honest.”

The tradition of Yasiel Puig sensually licking his bat goes back to at least 2017, when it became a viral phenomenon during his postseason run with the Dodgers. Both adding to Puig’s entertainment value and the increasing lore of baseball superstition, the ritual simultaneously intrigued and disgusted fans.

“I make love to the bat and he pays me back with hits,” Puig told James Fegan, correspondent for The Athletic, back in October of 2017.

So does romantic foreplay with your bat help you at the dish? Definitely not in any statistically measurable way. But does it make the bat feel better? The Trinity Pro Model PS 27:1 tells us.

“The first time he licked me, I have to admit, I kind of liked it,” Puig’s bat says. “It was new and it was fun. But now that’s basically all he does. He doesn’t mix it up any more and never asks me what I want. He never even licks me in the right places anymore!”

Puig’s bat denies that it has power over the outcome of an at bat, but does agree that developing a healthy relationship with the player that holds you is key for success. Clearly, that relationship is not good for Puig and his bat, given the Cincinnati star’s current average sits at .239, a career low.

“Do I want him to use me like he did when we first entered into the league?” the bat soliloquizes. “No, that was years ago and we were both in a different place. But I want that romance we once had to stay alive. If he thinks a couple of licks can do the trick, he’s mistaken. I’m not asking for much, maybe just a candlelit dinner before a plate appearance or a nice movie date to get away from the clubhouse. Just something to show that he’s still interested in me.”

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One thought on “Puig’s Bat Really Not Okay with All the Licking”

  1. Dear Alex

    Just a mote to tell you how much I admire your articles and I feel you should consider having a column with a famous news paper or magazine. “New Yorker” will be a good start!

    Very proud and impressed Baba.

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Like

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