New York Knicks Unveil 2019 Lineup, Featuring Cardboard Cutouts of Kevin Durant, Zion Williamson

by Alex Poletti

After a decidedly difficult offseason, the New York Knicks unveiled their formidable lineup for the 2019-2020 season, which includes first-round draft pick R.J. Barrett and cardboard cutouts of Kevin Durant and Zion Williamson.

“Unfortunately, we didn’t have the offseason we were hoping for,” Knicks general manager Scott Perry says. “We didn’t land a top free agent and we didn’t get the first overall pick. Luckily for us, though, we had these cardboard cutouts made a few weeks ago, so they’ll be good additions to the squad going forward.”

After a full year of buzz that two-time Finals MVP Kevin Durant would play in Madison Square Garden, the All-Star shocked the world by signing a max contract with the cross-town rival Brooklyn Nets. Despite having the budget to offer multiple max contracts, New York also came up short in the Kyrie Irving, Klay Thompson and DeAndre Jordan sweepstakes.

“When I first heard the news that [Durant] signed with Brooklyn, I was more confused than anything else,” Perry continues. “I thought he just forgot which borough we were in, which is understandable. He must’ve just saw Brooklyn and thought, ‘the Knicks probably play there,’ but I guess not.”

The Knicks’ reveal was met with mild applause from fans and the media. Overall the event was a little jarring, given the poor photoshop job done by the social media team in New York; Kevin Durant’s head was cleary pasted onto Lance Thomas’ body, while a picture of a Knicks jersey was shoddily placed over a Zion Williamson Duke photo.

Reportedly, both cardboard cutouts have received max contracts. The deals have been met with some criticism, concerning not just the athleticism of the two human-shaped pieces of cardboard, but the fact that the cardboard isn’t even sturdy, given that both cutouts appear to be covered in the tears of disgruntled Knicks fans.

Despite the luke-warm reception from the media, ownership is cautiously optimistic about the future of the organization.

“Honestly, after the trades we made, two pieces of cardboard are about as good as we can get,” Knicks owner James Dolan says.

Anticipation for Knicks fans reached an all-time high after the Knicks traded Latvian forward Kristaps Porziņģis to the Dallas Mavericks to clear cap space for a big-name free agent. After all prospective signings failed to materialize, the Knicks are now left without any star power outside of their first rounder. For the Knicks, however, there is an upside.

“At least we don’t have to worry about the cutout’s ACL,” Perry concludes.

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