by Alex Poletti
We knew the internet’s most famous sports parent wouldn’t stay silent forever. Weeks after his son Lonzo was sent to New Orleans as part of the Anthony Davis trade, LaVar Ball has stated that he could easily take a pelican in a one-one-one basketball game.
“I hear people dissing my family, saying that Lonzo is a bust,” LaVar says, “but that isn’t true. He’s great. I’m great. I bet I could take a pelican one-on-one. If there is a pelican out there watching this right now, I’m game if you are.”
The elder Ball rose to national prominence in 2017 as his son began to emerge as an early potential first-rounder at UCLA. He quickly gained a name for himself by making outlandish claims, including that he could beat Michael Jordan in his hey-day. Now, LaVar has turned to attacking his son’s team, the Pelicans.
“Zion is on the Pelicans, I know, but Lonzo is the star,” the CSU Los Angeles alum continues. “The Pelicans are trash without my son. That’s why I’m saying I can take any pelican on. Not one of the basketball player pelicans, though, I mean a real pelican. See how they like it.”
Sources close to Ball tell The Second String that he previously challenged several lakes to a pick-up game while his son was playing in Los Angeles. Much like his attacks on Jordan, nothing came of it.
While it seems that the Big Baller Brand CEO is merely blowing steam, the claims have lead The Second String’s analytics department to investigate whether Ball could actually take on a pelican.
“Ball has opposable thumbs, which is a definite plus in basketball,” resident statistician Martin McDonald says. “But his D1 stats are a little troubling. In one year with Washington State, he averaged 2.2 points and 2.3 rebounds. Those are lame duck numbers, and everyone knows that pelicans sit above lame ducks in the bird pecking order.”
The evidence seems once again irrefutable that Ball would be better off keeping his mouth shut on this one. Knowing the boisterous personality for which LaVar is known, however, this seems unlikely.
“Just wait until Lonzo signs with another team, it’ll be the same deal,” Ball continues. “I can take on a net, jazz, a piston, nuggets, anything. I’m just asking to be put up against a grizzly.”