Selfish Asshole Doesn’t Give Ball He Caught to Nearby Child

by Alex Poletti

In a display of gross selfishness and narcissism at Miller Park, Milwaukee man Brett Evans didn’t give the home run ball he caught to 8-year-old Timmy Stamos, who was sitting a mere two seats behind him.

In the sixth inning of last night’s victory against the Braves, Christian Yelich launched a 1-0 pitch to left-center, where Stamos was waiting with his used baseball glove. Evans reached up with his bare hand to make an impressive catch, garnering high fives and shoulder pats from those around him. However, he failed to give the ball to the Stamos, sparking ire from fellow fans and baseball professionals

“After he caught the ball, Timmy looked at him with big eyes,” Timmy’s father, Stuart Stamos, says. “I swear to God, the guy stared Timmy dead in the eyes, looked at the ball, looked back at Timmy and then pocketed the thing.”

It has long been one of the unwritten rules in the sport that if you catch a baseball in the bleachers, you must gift it to the nearest child. Several exceptions apply, for instance if the nearest kid has been acting like a real asshole or if there is a super hot chick next to you and you’re trying to get laid. However, Evans was not with any woman that night and the young Stamos was well behaved and deserving of the ball.

“We’ve had all sorts of nasty characters in the game over the years,” MLB commissioner Rob Manfred says on the issue. “John Rocker, Ty Cobb, Curt Schilling, the like. But never has there been a bigger sack of shit than this guy. What an insensitive prick.”

Even Yelich himself was shocked at the display as he watched his home run sail into the stands. After waiting to see if Evans would hand the ball to the child and watching nothing come to fruition, he took matters into his own hands by signing a bat for Stamos.

“I was a little surprised when the guy didn’t give the ball over,” Yelich says. “I felt bad for the kid, so I gave him the bat I hit the home run with. Maybe that way he could beat the guy senseless and get the ball back.”

It wasn’t long before the issue transcended baseball and became political. Some politicians lampooned Evans, while others were quick to take his side.

“Last time I checked, this is America,” conservative pundit Ben Shapiro says. “And in America, we enjoy the fruits of our labor. This man, no, this hero, Brett Evans, made a great catch and got the ball. Now, big government wants us to take it away from him? What ever happened to capitalism in this country? If the kid wanted the ball, he could have worked for it. This isn’t Russia, kid.”

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