NFL Won’t Discipline Tyreek Hill, Still Too Busy with Colin Kaepernick

by Alex Poletti

After a four month investigation, the NFL could not conclude whether Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Tyreek Hill violated the league’s personal conduct policy, so he will not be disciplined. In reaching their decision, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell states the league is too busy to reach a conclusion, mainly because they are still spending so much time shitting on Colin Kaepernick.

“It was hard to reach a conclusion in this matter, or even pay it much mind at all because Kaepernick is still taking up so much of our goddamn time,” Goodell says. “I know he doesn’t play in our league anymore and Hill certainly does, but we have our priorities.”

While Hill was being quietly and politely investigated for domestic abuse, Colin Kaepernick has been as vocal as ever about the ongoing epidemic of police brutality in the United States. The latter obviously demanded more attention from the National Football League.

“So you had two guys who did questionable things, to put it mildly,” Associate General Counsel Ned Erhlich says. “One guy kneeled during the National Anthem, the other guy allegedly kneed his fiancée and child—allegedly, might I repeat. We could only stop one person from ever playing in the NFL again, and we made a choice. I stand by that.”

The NFL’s investigation into the former OSU receiver was preceded by an investigation from the Johnson County District Attorney’s Office on the same issue. The investigation ended with no criminal charges for similar reasons. After the legal system could find no wrongdoing, the NFL felt confident that they would reach the same result.

“Maybe some people might be a little irked by this or whatever,” Goodell says flippantly, “but Johnson County couldn’t find anything. I trust our legal system. I can’t think of a single time in our nation’s history that the legal system found a pro football player innocent when he definitely wasn’t. It just doesn’t happen.”

Besides, the league bigwigs couldn’t possibly have the time for all this domestic abuse hocus-pocus when they are so busy squeezing the last bit of metaphorical fecal matter out of their metaphorical sphincters and onto Colin Kaepernick’s unemployed chest.

“Did you see that he has an emmy nomination now?” Goodell continues. “I guess there is some injustice in the football world. Obviously, we have to do something about that.”

At the end of the day, however, the evidence wasn’t strong enough for the NFL to act. Injuries to a child and spouse accompanied by a threatening phone call from Hill telling his fiancée to “be afraid of him” are clearly just whacky coincidences.

“Was I really paying attention to this whole thing? No,” Erhlich says. “But I’m sure we made the right decision. I mean, Hill is a nice guy, not a political activist scumbag like some people we deal with. It’s not like he has a history of doing this or anything.”

Hill pleaded guilty domestic assault and battery by strangulation, which led Oklahoma State to kick him off their football team in 2015.

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