Unaware They Aren’t Competing, Mets Trade for Marcus Stroman

by Alex Poletti

In a move that confused many in professional baseball, the New York Mets traded two minor league arms for Toronto Blue Jays starter Marcus Stroman, despite the fact that they sit in fourth place in their division and are in no position to compete. Majority owner Fred Wilpon explains to The Second String that the Mets know they aren’t in it this year, but they don’t want to break freshman GM Brodie Van Wagenen’s heart.

“Obviously, we’re having a terrible year,” Wilpon says. “But Brodie is having so much fun and he’s so excited about being a general manager. We don’t want to take that away from him.”

Formerly Jacob DeGrom’s agent, Van Wagenen was hired to make waves in the Mets organization. He did so, trading for Robinson Cano and Edwin Diaz in an attempt to recapture the magic that got the Mets to the World Series in 2015. Despite his best intentions, the team has turned into a dumpster fire in 2019, making for one of the biggest disappointments of the season. However, Van Wagenen doesn’t seem to notice.

“I love my job!” Van Wagenen says as he plays with a toy truck on his desk while Citi Field burns around him. “The Mets are so fun and so good and I can’t wait to make the World Series!”

Not only have the Mets performed poorly, five games under .500, but the rumor mill has been buzzing with possible trades involving Noah Syndergaard and Zach Wheeler. Instead of trading either pitcher to build a formidable farm system, Van Wagenen opted to bolster a strong rotation, neglecting the glaring holes the team has all around it.

“I like to have a lot of pitching. Pitching wins championships,” Van Wagenen says, apparently unaware that you need to have a team around the pitcher in order to win a baseball game.

It isn’t his height, small fortune or striking jawline that keeps the Mets from telling their general manager that the team is terrible, but instead his childlike wonder at the team he’s assembled.

“It’s almost beautiful to see him look at the roster and actually believe he has a chance at making the playoffs,” Mets coach and man who surprisingly still has a job Mickey Callaway says. “It’s like when Lenny is thinking about the rabbits at the end of ‘Of Mice and Men.’ I could shoot him and let him die happily for the betterment of the Mets organization, but that’s called second degree murder and I’d be arrested.”

If all his moves come to fruition, Van Wagenen may add reliever Will Smith, a power bat and his Barry Bonds action figure to the squad before the July 31 deadline.

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