by Alex Poletti
As football season rapidly approaches, Kansas City man Jack Poor faces a crisis as he must decide between protecting what’s left of his moral compass and drafting the best team available in his fantasy football league.
“I’ve seen Tyreek Hill and Kareem Hunt play, so I know how electric they are on the field,” Poor says. “Hunt could be a sleeper pick in the late rounds because of the suspension. But I don’t know if it’s right for me to be drafting guys like that.”
On Facebook, Poor has been outspoken about his distaste for domestic abuse and the lax penalties in sports leagues. However, he is also the subject of ridicule from the rest of his eight-man league, having finished last the past two seasons.
“I’ve made a conscious choice to abstain from drafting any players with a history of abuse or any immoral activity,” the Chiefs fan explains. “And my team has really gone to shit because of it. This year I don’t want to come in last and let Todd win again.”
Todd MacFarland, a co-worker’s brother-in-law, has won the league three of the last four years under the team name “Todd and the Turdbusters.” In his five years in the league, Poor’s team “Poor Man’s Game” has never once beaten the Turdbusters.
“What really pisses me off is that I put care into my lineup and my team name, coming up with some clever pun,” Poor continues. “Todd just makes a poop joke and goes on auto-draft and wins every year. It’s bullshit.”
This year, Poor has decided he’s had enough. However, he’s still struggling to determine how to offset the wrongs of drafting terrible people in his league.
“Maybe for every bad person I draft, I’ll donate a dollar to the Battered Women’s Justice Project?” Poor equivocates. “No, a dollar isn’t enough. Ten dollars? I can’t afford ten dollars a player I’ll go broke! Maybe I’ll do five for the guys with past suspensions and a dollar for Antonio Brown, who barely threw furniture out of a window.”
Poor has opted to make a point-system, where he can regain points if he drafts players with upstanding reputations. For example, Drew Brees’ charitable efforts are worth 10 points, which help balance Kareem Hunt’s -20 for kicking a woman in a hotel.
Todd, The Second String has confirmed, will continue to draft based on who has the coolest name.