Giants Bolster Roster With Addition of Dad and Baby

by Dale DePalatis

The San Francisco Giants, concerned that they still don’t have enough talent in their outfield for their hoped-for playoff run, added talented outfielders Chris and Roya Rice to their roster Monday.

You may remember Chris as the dad who caught Pablo Sandoval’s home run barehanded in the stands while not even waking up baby Roya. The Giants attempted to offer a contract only to Chris, but he was adamant that they weren’t getting him without picking up Roya as well.

“She’s my motivation, man,” the father says. “Especially playing outfield, without her who would I play patty-cake with when things are slow?”

Chris signed for the MLB minimum $550,000 since he’s had little baseball experience.

“I did play T-ball for awhile,” the elder Rice admits, “but, after striking out three times in a row, I got a little disillusioned with the game.”

Despite his turbulent history with the sport, the Giants don’t seem too concerned.

“Chris’s lack of batting prowess is not a problem,” general manager Farhan Zaidi says. “It makes him fit in just perfectly with our current outfielders.”

Roya was a tougher negotiator than her dad. She managed to arrange a $20 million per year deal.

“Goo goo gaa gaa,” she says in explanation. Through her baby speak translator she continued, “Not only am I the first baby but also the first female to ever play major league baseball. You bet I’m going to be a fan draw!”

Indeed, in their first game, the stadium was packed. Chris made two bare-handed catches of balls that were hit directly to him without waking up baby Roya. (It was part of his contract that balls could only be hit directly to him.) Some fans were disgruntled by the fact that Roya woke up on the third catch and required a 10-minute timeout for a diaper change, but other fans thought it was great.

“Roya is so cute! When she slobbered on her dad when he was about to catch the ball, it was so funny, and those diaper changes!” New fan Neda Iranpour says. “Phew! You could smell them anywhere in the stadium!”

That may have limited appeal, though, as it should be noted that Iranpour is Roya’a mother.

“Well, after the first game, there are mixed reviews, but, if we could pay Barry Zito for seven years of mostly nothing, we can afford Roya at least until the terrible twos,” Zaidi says. “After all, we’ve had nothing but poop playing for the past two years. Maybe adding a cute baby will add some shock and awe.”

The Giants move has also started a bit of a movement around the MLB. Many teams are considering adding cute babies to their rosters to counter the Giants.

“We thought we had already hired a baby a few years ago, but it turned out to be Tim Lincecum,” Texas manager Chris Woodward says.

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