2020 Election To Be Decided by Who the Better Golfer

by Alex Poletti

A new amendment passed by Congress last week will repeal the 12th Amendment’s procedure of electing the president via the electoral college and replace it with an 18-hole playoff to determine who is the better golfer. The theory behind the bipartisan bill is that the president does more of golfing than anything else, so the next one should probably be pretty good at it.

One of the key critiques of President Trump is that he has spent far too much time golfing, spending 91 days since his inauguration at Mar-a-Lago, a resort owned by the president himself. Similar criticism emerged during the Obama administration. With no end to the arguing in sight, Democrats and Republicans spectacularly agreed to declare the victor of the 2020 Presidential Election based solely on golf prowess.

“After fighting for years on pretty much every political issue, Speaker Pelosi and I have finally come to an agreement,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says. “We agree that the president golfs more than anything else. Thus, the next election, and every election henceforth, will be decided exclusively by an 18-hole golf match.”

The incumbent will hold a slight advantage, as he will be able to choose the course, given it’s in the US. If history is any indication, Trump will select the golf course at Mar-a-Lago, where he has the most experience.

Democratic candidates have already started practicing their swing, to various results. Kamala Harris and Joe Biden both lost footing in the race after the announcement. Pete Buttigieg stayed his ground, while Elizabeth Warren’s numbers have sky-rocketed.

Not all candidates have reacted positively to the news. Notably, Andrew Yang and Bill deBlasio have come out as staunch opponents to the new amendment, which will likely be ratified by the states this week.

“The problem with this bill is that it gives the edge to career politicians,” Yang explains. “Politicians golf far more than the average American. It’s unfair to think that those of us who have spent our lives outside of government can keep up with those that spend taxpayer dollars to work on their short game.”

Perhaps the worst part of the rule change is that it completely reshuffles the pecking order in the Democratic primary, with an unfamiliar name now at the top of the list.

“You wouldn’t know it, but John Hickenlooper has one of the most beautiful swings known to man,” Bernie Sanders, who has an astonishing handicap of 38, says. “His short game is sharp, his drives go 300 yards easy, and his mental resolve on the course is far superior to any prowess he may have politically. I can’t believe I’m going to lose the election to John Hickenlooper and his 9-iron.”

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