After Cold Season, Heat to Rebrand as Miami Luke-Warm

by Alex Poletti

After a disappointing 2018 season, the Miami Heat ownership has decided to take the team in a different direction. Rather than relocating as some franchises are want to do, the Heat opted to rebrand as the Miami Luke-Warm to temper the expectations of fans for seasons to come.

“Even with the acquisition of Jimmy Butler this offseason, we have serious doubts that our franchise can ever be as on fire as the LeBron-led teams of the early 2010s,” owner Mickey Arison says. “Therefore, the shareholders and I have agreed that we will henceforth be known as the Luke-Warm. Instead of representing the blistering temperatures of Florida summer, we will represent the nice breeze on a fall day.”

After reaching four straight NBA finals in the first half of the decade, Miami fell from grace rather abruptly. Although they have two postseason berths to their name since the superteam fell, the Heat finished the 2018 season with a 39-43 record, good enough for 10th in the Eastern Conference. Clearly, the moniker no longer fit the team and something had to be done.

“The thing is, we haven’t been too cold, so to call ourselves something of that vein would be dishonest,” the club’s brand architect, Michael McCullough, says. “And even if we were, the phrase ‘ice in his veins’ has become so commonplace in basketball today that to give ourselves a nickname of that sort would imply we have a player that fits such a description, which is frankly untrue.”

Thus, the team decided on the Luke-Warm. Representing the ability to get hot, but not quite reaching that level, ownership feels comfortable with the new name.

“Really, Luke-warm is everything we are,” Arison continues. “Almost hot, comfortable with the status quo and a strange temperature for food products. With the humidity in Florida as well, luke-warm represents irritation and susceptibility to mosquitos. When you think of the players who end up in Miami, how can you not think of irritating divas who suck money from our organization like mosquitoes suck blood from tourist families just to live in South Beach?”

Fans seemed to adapt quickly to the new temperature. Players, as well, had a moderate response.

“Look man, I used to play in Minnesota,” Jimmy Butler says. “Luke-warm is a-ok after the weather I went through.”

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