SoulCycle and Equinox Boycotters Forced to Try Biking Outdoors

by Alex Poletti

In such a politically tumultuous time as this, patrons of SoulCycle and Equinox must either face the ramifications of funding companies owned by Trump financiers or take their cycle-based exercise outdoors onto the preexisting bike paths throughout urban and natural areas in the United States.

“This is a really tough decision for me,” local 40-year-old white mom Karen Stacey says. “I don’t like Trump or what he stands for, but I can’t bear to go on an actual bicycle into the real world. I don’t know if I can use a bike for its intended purpose.”

Liberals across the country have taken matters into their own hands after it was discovered that Stephen Ross, chairman of The Related Companies which owns SoulCycle and Equinox, is planning on hosting a fundraiser at his Hamptons home for President Trump. As Stacey explains, deciding whether to cross this picket line is incredibly difficult, given that the spin-based exercise can only be recreated by every citizen with ownership of a bicycle.

“It’s like Chick-Fil-A,” 23-year-old Casey Davidson, who owns too much beard wax, explains. “I know what they stand for is bad, but the food is so good. What am I supposed to do with these amenities that I can easily live without but don’t really want to?”

But what are SoulCycle and Equinox-goers supposed to do other than take a bike through government-installed bike paths that lead through large metropolitan areas as well as some of the most scenic natural vistas in the United States? It’s a dilemma to be certain.

“I just don’t know how much I have to suffer as a result of this,” Julie Stanton, a resident of California coastal town Monterey, says. “Why should I have to subject myself to biking through the iconic Big Sur landscape instead of paying $42 to sit in a sweaty gym with 30 other sweaty people with the lights off? How far do I have to go to be a good Democrat?”

This is certainly a tactical victory for the Republicans, who take out most of the white, upper-middle class, liberal demographic by targeting spin classes. The liberal community is still split on how to handle the issue. Should socially-minded left-leaners have to subject themselves to the natural elements when going for a ride, or even worse, install a stationary bike in their home and completely ruin the ambiance of their foyer? The Second String will keep up with the latest news on this issue.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s