by Alex Poletti
In another move typical of the diva’s dramatic flare, Oakland wideout Antonio Brown announced that he will not play a game in the NFL until they let him wear his 100th episode-commemorative “Rugrats” helmet during the season.
“I’ve had this helmet throughout my entire career,” the former Steeler says. “Anyone who claims to be my fan should know that football and ‘Rugrats’ memorabilia are intertwined for me, and I won’t play another game if I can’t wear my gear.”
The league stated that Brown’s helmet is banned because it hasn’t been certified by the National Operating Committee for Standards and Athletic Equipment like all other legal helmets in the league. Brown’s legal team retorts that no studies have proven the “Rugrats” helmet to be unsafe, though chances are the commemorative decorative football helmet probably shouldn’t withstand hits from Troy Polamalu.
“My coaches and teammates have been important to my journey to becoming the best wide receiver in history,” Brown boasts, “but no one has been more instrumental in my success than Chuckie, Tommy and most importantly Angelica Pickles.”
While some may claim that the issue is superficial at best, it has nonetheless generated considerable press coverage, especially with Brown threatening to retire from football altogether if he doesn’t get his way. One man who has not given in to the controversy is league commissioner Roger Goodell.
“Same shit, different day,” Goodell says as he lets out a deep sigh. “With Antonio, it’s furniture this, or helmet that. If he wants to get CTE by wearing a cartoon hat on his head, that’s fine with me. God, I hate my job.”
To prove that Brown’s Nickelodeon-patented helmet is just as safe as any other, the wide receiver’s legal team has said that Antonio Brown will try to get injured using currently-approved helmets to prove that they are no safer than his.
“To show the court that the current helmets are not safe, Mr. Brown will run into a brick wall at full speed,” an official statement from Brown’s lawyers reads. “If he shows symptoms of concussions, we intend to hold the NFL liable. And perhaps, by running into a wall, part of his brain may recorrect and make him less of an asshole.”
The league will rule on this issue within the coming days. However, if Brown does not win his case, he will continue to push this until he can wear his helmet, or at least until he can permanently get his hands on Raymond Berry’s receiving goggles.