Chris Sale Doesn’t Need Tommy John, Just Better Off Not Pitching For Rest of 2019

by Alex Poletti

After meeting with Dr. James Andrews, Red Sox ace Chris Sale was told he would not need season-ending Tommy John surgery; however, due to his underwhelming performance all year long, Boston decided it was best for him not to pitch for the rest of 2019 anyway.

“We received great news after Dr. Andrews evaluated Sale this morning in Pensacola, Florida,” president of baseball operations for the Sox Dave Dombrowski says. “But we will still proceed with caution. That is why we are shutting Sale down for the rest of the season to avoid any further six-run outings.”

Despite 218 strikeouts and a 1.09 WHIP, Sale has disappointed this season with a 6-11 record and a 4.40 ERA. Some of this can be attributed to inflammation in Sale’s throwing elbow, but some of it can also be attributed to his very shitty pitching.

“I looked at his arm, and it looks pretty good,” Andrews says. “A few platelet-rich plasma injections should do the trick. But the thing is, I’m also a Red Sox fan, and I want what’s best for the organization. Right now, it’s best if Sale is out of the rotation for the rest of the year.”

Despite decent double-digit strikeout showings in his last two starts, August has been a tough month for the former White Sock, as evidenced by his August 3 outing, when Sale gave up eight runs in just 3 ⅔ innings of work to the rival Yankees.

Sale joins David Price as the second overpaid starter on the disabled list. This is a major boon for the Red Sox rotation, who now only have to deal with four incompetent starters instead of five.

“I think we’ll get through this,” manager Alex Cora says, praying last year’s World Series win will let him keep his job. “We still have Rick Porcello and Nathan Eovaldi, who are more than capable of underperforming themselves. If we do need a fifth starter, we can always call on—”

At this point, Cora looked down at his hand, which clearly had names of potential starters written in dry-erase pen.

“—Andrew Cashner? Seriously? We have Cashner on our payroll? What the hell is wrong with this team?”

Cora then ended the interview, hoping he could find a decent place to hide before angry Bostonians came in with pints of lager and pitchforks to inflict mob justice upon him.

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