NFL Considers Expanding Domestic Violence Policy to Maybe Catch Some of Those Guys

by Alex Poletti

The National Football League announced that they are considering changes to their domestic violence protocol to maybe catch some of those guys and discipline them for their actions. However, the NFL was quick to note that all changes are purely hypothetical at this time.

“Right now, we’re just experimenting with the policy,” commissioner Roger Gooddell says. “We were wondering what it might be like if some of those guys actually faced retribution for their terrible actions, which would most likely result in jail time if they weren’t sports celebrities. It’s a bit unrealistic, sure, but why not give it a try.”

Right now, the NFL policy does not take a strong stance against domestic violence, continuing to pay players even if they are convicted of sexual assault or other heinous offenses. Most cases result in suspensions of less than two games, if any punitive actions are taken at all.

“Honestly, it’s a pretty sweet gig if you get suspended for domestic violence,” an anonymous source who is definitely Kareem Hunt says. “I still get half of my paycheck for the next eight weeks and I don’t even have to get CTE. I don’t know why more players do this.”

Sources close to the commissioner’s office leaked that new policies could include season-long suspensions with no pay, and lifetime bans for repeat offenses. However, the NFL remains hesitant, as they do not want to come across as “too harsh” on gruesome violence.

“We aren’t big fans of NFL players beating up their spouses,” Anna Isaacson, vice president of social responsibility, says. “We prefer that the players leave work at the door.”

The NFL is considering modeling their domestic violence policy after their substance abuse protocol, which issues harsh penalties for smoking marijuana, a harmless and legal drug in most states.

“What we’re considering right now is implementing a policy more akin to our substance abuse policy,” Goodell continues. “But do we really want to punish players who clearly break the law and violently attack others as harshly as we punish those who recreationally partake in legal substances? I don’t think we want to get that extreme. I mean, players in college lose draft stock if they have a history of drug abuse. God forbid players with rape allegations suffer the same fate. It’d really be unfair.”

At the end of the day, the NFL agrees that football is America’s game. As such, they will continue to treat these problems as seriously as the United States government; therefore, no significant actions will be taken.

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