by Alex Poletti
While a tight spiral on a well-thrown football is a thing of beauty, experts agree that no pass is as impressive or effective as an awkward shovel pass completed by a 10-year-old child under 90 pounds with glasses and spaghetti arms.
“When Tom Brady or Patrick Mahomes really nails a throw, it’s magic,” Clemson coach Dabo Swinney says. “But when we’re scouting for the next Trevor Lawrence, we look exclusively for small children who get the ball to the receiver with more of an inbound pass with knuckleball spin.”
One child with the aforementioned technique is Josh Trichter, a 9-year-old who exclusively wears striped polo shirts and sweatpants. Though Trichter has never been a part of any community football league, his gym teacher admits that no one possesses the raw talent of the wannabe astronaut.
“Lots of dads teach their children how to throw a football, but not this kid,” gym teacher Travis Polson says. “He’s obviously never touched the pigskin a day in his life. And that’s what makes his throw so special. The way his entire body concaves inward and then shoots the ball out like a catapult, going wherever the wind takes it, it’s something different, that’s for sure.”
The perennial last pick in schoolyard games, Trachter has proven his own as a legitimate quarterback, sporting a 12-0 record in the past 15 lunch periods.
“We don’t know how to defend it,” fellow fourth-grader Joey Simpson says. “Every time he gets the ball, it looks like he’s having a seizure, and then the ball just explodes out of him. I don’t know whether to guard the receiver or call a teacher for medical help.”
Scientists have studied Trachter’s mechanics, and note several interesting characteristics. It seems that for maximum efficiency, the quarterback must be under 5-feet tall with the skinniest arms you’ve ever seen. It’s recommended that the athlete must be a complete science geek, though math or musical theater also works.
“We never thought that the ideal specimen for football would be someone with no athletic experience and no ken of sports in general, but alas, here we are,” University of Oklahoma athletic trainer Thomas Anderson says. “The future of football may very well be scrawny white kids who can barely maintain balance after violently ejecting a football from their person in a state of complete panic to avoid getting tackled. It’s an unexplored archetype, but there’s clearly some potential.”