Jimmy Geezus Must Be at the Crucifixion Stage of Allegorical NFL Career

by Alex Poletti

Long hailed as the second coming for 49ers fans, it now seems that quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo, dubbed Jimmy Geezus by fans, is in the crucifixion portion of his biblical journey, having finished his latest preseason game with a 0.0 passer rating.

“If he is following the parallel of the Christian savior Jesus Christ, he’s clearly at the getting nailed stage,” 49ers fan and theologist at the University of San Francisco Dale Day-Lewis says. “Either that or he’s wandering through the desert, as he obviously has no clue what the hell is going on.”

Coming to San Francisco with a 4-0 record from his days with the Patriots, Garappolo began leading the Bay Area to the promised land, winning five straight starts to end his first year with the team. However, an early-season ACL tear quickly ended any hopes the 49ers had last year.

In his return from an ACL injury that left him sidelined for the majority of the 2018-2019 season, Garappolo completed just one of six passes, with no positive yardage on the day. Once considered San Francisco’s new messiah, the former Tom Brady backup has now cast doubt on the future of the organization.

“I tell you, I don’t know him,” famed sportswriter Peter (King) denies, despite once publicly backing the 49ers. “I was never with him.”

With Peter’s denial said and done, things are actually looking up for the Niners. If Garappolo continues to follow the prophecy, he should be resurrected by week 3 of the regular season.

“He does share a lot of similar characteristics with Jesus, when you come to think of it,” Day-Lewis continues. “They both come from a distant land, and were both given gifts: Jesus was given gold, frankincense and myrrh, while Garappolo was gifted a $137.5 million contract.”

It should also be noted that Garappolo’s latest 0.0 quarterback rating equals that of the real Jesus Christ.

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