After Quarterback Retires, Colts Officially Out of Luck

by Alex Poletti

After news broke that their franchise quarterback will call it quits at the tender age of 29, the Indianapolis Colts announced that they are officially out of Luck.

“Luck was the key to our future,” general manager Chris Ballard says. “He was finally coming into his own as one of the best quarterbacks in the league, and now we don’t have a chance at the playoffs. However, Chance Warmack is still a free agent so we may be able to capitalize there.”

The first overall pick out of Stanford in 2012, Andrew Luck was considered one of the greatest quarterback prospects since Peyton Manning. However, injuries limited Luck in his NFL career, forcing him into an early retirement, despite performing admirably last season.

“I’ve been stuck in this process,” Luck explains. “I haven’t been able to live the life I want to live. I thought having a career which involves me being continually tackled by huge men would be a little more fun than it turned out to be.”

Luck suffered from a terrible offensive line during his days in Indianapolis, which led to the Stanford grad being hit over 100 times per season. Much of the blame here falls on former GM Ryan Grigson, who only drafted three offensive linemen before the seventh round during his tenure in the Circle City.

“Oh shit, I knew I forgot something!” Grigson recalls.

The quarterback explains that it wasn’t the slew of injuries that caused his retirement, per se, but rather the mental strain the game took.

“They’ve taken the joy out of the game,” Luck says of his time in the NFL. “Not to mention, they’ve also taken my calf, my kidney, two ventricles in my heart and my sphincter.”

While fans are disappointed that they won’t see the righty slinger again in a professional capacity, some have lauded Luck for making the tough decision, to the betterment of his personal life.

“Luck is staying true to himself,” analyst Judy Battista says. “He never played much in the NFL, so a retired Andrew Luck is about as accurate a representation of his playing days as there can be.”

The story doesn’t end there, however; the Colts announced that they will not recoup the money that Andrew Luck owes them, which could have totaled up to $24.8 million.

“As in any Luck-based game, we took a risk,” Colts owner Jim Irsay says. “We took a gamble, and this one didn’t pay off. We’re not about to take our money back from the casino. Not to mention, we were expecting Jacoby Brissett to start 13 games this season anyway, so it kind of works out.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s