BREAKING: NFL Deemed Andrew Luck Too Nice to be a Part of the League

by Luke DePalatis

On August 24, 2019, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck stood in front of the press to announce his retirement from the NFL for mental health reasons. At the time, this seemed to push the narrative of the physical and mental toll that the sport takes on its players, but today the real reason for his “retirement” was published: the NFL simply thinks he’s too nice, and he makes the other players look bad.

“To be honest, it was a long time coming,” says NFL commissioner Roger Goodell when pressed by The Second String. “I know he was a beloved part of the league, but we can’t just sit here and let good-hearted, kind, generous, sportsmen-like Andrew stay in the NFL. It would give us a bad image.”

This opinion doesn’t seem to be held solely by the higher-ups in the NFL.

“It’s sad to see Andrew go, but I do think it’s the best for all of us,” Indianapolis Colts head coach Frank Reich says. “I mean, what kind of jerk compliments the opposing defense for a quality sack? It gave the Colts a negative energy, as well as the NFL as a whole.”

The Second String reached out to Luck, to view his perspective on the recent events.

“I guess it just didn’t work out,” Luck notes in an over-the-phone interview with one of The Second String’s top journalists. “I respect the NFL and their decisions, and I look forward to the future opportunities my life has in store.”

Wow, how normal and nice of him.

According to Goodell, the NFL has gone through some serious rebranding in the last several years.

“We’re looking for real leaders to be the face of our league,” Goodell remarks. “You know, players like Tyreek Hill and Ezekiel Elliott. These are the kinds of guys with real character, who will draw more attention to what it really means to be an athlete. They set a great example for others to follow. We need more Hunts and less Lucks. I think focussing on maintaining our relationships with the players that really matter is what will make the NFL a lasting well of positivity.”

When questioned about the mentioned players troubled pasts including violence, domestic, Goodell shook it off saying “Whaaaaaat? I’ve got no idea what your talking about,” then spun on his heel and sprinted towards his lawyers at full speed.

In the end, it seems that in a league with domestic abusers and legitimate criminals, an average good guy like Andrew Luck just doesn’t fit in.

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