Police Catch DeMarcus Cousins in Low-Speed, Injury-Prone Chase

by Alex Poletti

Police in Mobile, Alabama, announced that they have officially caught and detained Lakers center DeMarcus Cousins pursuant to an arrest warrant for a misdemeanor domestic violence charge for harassing communications. The arrest was preceded by a chase on foot, conducted at a low speed to avoid any further injuries to Cousins.

“After issuing a warrant for his arrest, we went to his home in Spanish Fort,” Mobile County Sheriff Sam Cochran says. “He then exited his garage in a sports car, only to park it a few blocks away and flee on foot. Knowing his injury history, we kept the remainder of the chase pretty low-key. We’re all pretty big DeMarcus fans out here, so we didn’t want to hurt him anymore.”

Although no further details have been released about the events leading to the big man’s warrant, many have hypothesized that the issue is related to an audio clip leaked by TMZ in which Cousins threatens to shoot his ex-girlfriend, the mother of his 7-year-old child.

“Honestly, we were walking most of the chase,” Cochran continues. “He was trying his best to run away, but he looked about as energized as he did during this year’s NBA Finals. It was a little hard to watch.”

Cousins is currently athletically compromised after suffering an ACL tear in his left knee during a game of pickup basketball in Las Vegas. Although the police department could have easily caught Cousins in their cruisers, or even on foot, they considered such actions unsportsmanlike.

“He was obviously very injured, and we didn’t want to push him any further,” Spanish Fort Chief of Police David Edgar says. “If we had played at 100 percent while he was still nursing an injury, that wouldn’t be a fair game. We weren’t about to take advantage of several injuries for our own benefit—we’re not the Raptors.”

Despite all the precautions taken to insure that Cousins would not suffer an injury during the chase, including guided stretches with the police chief before the actual chase began, the inevitable occurred. Cousins was finally caught in a neighbor’s yard after stepping on a twig incorrectly and tearing his right Achilles. He was helped off the premises by police, receiving a standing ovation from onlookers.

“At least it didn’t happen through a non-contact injury during a pickup game,” Cousins says.

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