by Alex Poletti
Lakers shooting guard Alex Caruso has been the media’s darling after photoshopped pictures of his workouts went viral. To no one’s surprise, Caruso was hit with a random drug test from the league. Officials from the NBA confirm that when it comes to drug testing, the league uses the TSA’s definition of random.
“We took the hint from the US government,” league commissioner Adam Silver says. “There’s something going on when the Transportation Security Agency uses random tests. If it works for them, why not try it for us.”
The TSA, an organization founded as a response to the September 11 terrorist attacks, has been a pain in every Middle Eastern person’s side for almost 20 years, as they always seem to be chosen for random testing, as if by design, as if the entire department was specifically created to single out Middle Easterners. Instead of targeting Muslims, like the American government, the NBA is going after swole gym rats.
“I hate being profiled by my size,” certifiable beefcake and NBA star DeAndre Jordan says. “Every time I get ready for a game and see a drug tester in the locker room looking for a ‘random’ person, I know it’s me.”
Though the system seems foolproof, the NBA has found that categorizing and targeting buff players has been far more difficult than testing on a purely random basis, leading to some mishaps along the way.
“I will say, we took so much from the TSA’s system that we accidentally started targeting Muslims instead,” Silver explains. “That was a little oopsie, I’ll admit.”
For the few Muslim players currently playing for a professional team who saw drug tests on their doorstep, this didn’t come as a shock.
“Same shit, different day,” Raptors forward Ronade Hollis-Jefferson, who is both Muslim and absolutely yolked, sighs.
The story of Alex Caruso, however, is especially strange. Not known for being particuarly large, a photoshop savant changed his public image by enhancing his muscles in a few workout photos. Out of nowhere, the Texas A&M alum received a drug test, revealing the ludicrousy of the NBA’s system. Caruso, though, remains PED-free and scrawny as hell.
“Honestly, I wish I was big enough to earn a drug test,” Caruso muses.