‘Why Would God Do This to Me?’ Tyreek Hill Laments, Forgetting Some Obvious Reasons

by Alex Poletti

The Kansas City Chiefs were hit with some bad news prior to their week two matchup against the Raiders, as it was announced that their primary receiving target, Tyreek Hill, will miss 4-6 weeks with a clavicle injury. Hill, who is currently in agonizing pain, questions why God would curse him like this, forgetting some pretty obvious reasons from his past that could justify the incident.

“I just don’t understand why God would do this to me,” the wideout says. “I can’t think of a single incident from my past that would result in this level of divine retribution.”

Hill has had some minor infractions during his NFL tenure, most recently making waves during the offseason after an audio clip surfaced of him threatening the mother of his child. He was also accused of causing injuries to his son, though Kansas prosecutors dropped the case. We can believe them, because the judicial system has never been wrong about star football players before.

However, the Chiefs proved that they intend to play hardball with the University of West Alabama alum by only giving him $54 million over the next three years. Certainly, that shows they aren’t going to put up with any of his shit.

Regardless, it seems that the Lord has taken matters into his own hands, and has for some reason forsaken the season of the 25-year-old. For answers to such esoteric events, we can only turn to the interpreters of scripture.

“This is more of an Old Testament act on God’s part,” Bob Flangan, Emeritus Associate Teaching Professor for the Religious Studies department at Mizzou, says. “If I had to come up with an action that incurred the wrath of God, I’d think maybe an excessive celebration foul from 2017? Other than that, his record is spotless.”

Hill’s teammates have rallied around him, wishing him a speedy recovery so he can help his team down the stretch of what will inevitably be a playoff-bound season. The players were also quick to comment on Hill’s outstanding work ethic, talent and comradery.

“Ty is a great teammate,” Kansas City tight end Travis Kelce says. “I hope he recovers well, because having him on the field is the best way to win ball games. Tyreek is a great guy, and I mean that. He really treats his teammates like family. That’s why we’re expecting to have a pretty injury-riddled season.”

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