Democracy Flourishes in Seattle After King Felix’s Final Start

by Alex Poletti

Revolution came quickly in the city of Seattle, as democracy was quickly established after King Felix Hernandez’s final start in a Mariners uniform. The decision came quickly, with players and managerial staff coming together to pen a constitution to prohibit the return of the monarchy.

“We’ve been under King Felix’s reign for over ten years,” manager Scott Servais says. “He was a good king, a gentle king. But sometimes he was not well equipped to handle all of this team’s ills. I think it’s the right time to give the voice back to the people for the next stage of Mariners baseball.”

The king was not without his loyalists, such as the ever-faithful “King’s Court” section of T-Mobile Park, which chanted “Long long the King!” as Hernandez tipped his hat to the home crowd. Still, it was clear that the king’s time was up; with an ERA of 6.45, the king was incompetent.

“The only thing keeping him in the starting rotation was his title,” Seattle pitcher Gerson Bautista says. “That’s a life long position, unless you abdicate. We all knew that he was not going to cede his throne, so we just had to wait it out until his contract expired.”

Now, the Mariners have developed a fledgeling democracy, the first in quite some time in Seattle. Before King Felix, there was Ken Griffey Jr., who was not nominally a King, but still shared the traits of one: ruling the outfield, getting his position through patrilineal descent, et cetera.

“We love King Felix, but he wasn’t capable of handling the invading threats from the West,” Major League veteran Tommy Milone says. “I don’t know how many more times the Astros can sack us before we crumble like the Kingdom of the Supersonics did before us.”

Milone was one of the advocates of democracy, having previously played in Oakland, a smaller territory with a significantly diminished GDP. Under the veteran’s guidance, as well as several other older players, the team drafted a new constitution that calls for the election of captains every four seasons; the winner of the primary vote in the two parties (pitchers and position players) will then be voted on by the electorate, a series of former players, friends of the owners and distinguished fans who claim to represent the Mariners at large.

The move to democracy was not universally accepted; some Cuban players and a riled-up Hunter Strickland are leading an underground movement to sway the Mariners to communism.

“We believe that all players should have equal say and equal playing time,” Strickland argues. “If we have an equal distribution of labor among players, then we can fish in the morning, play third in the afternoon, pitch in the evening and criticise after dinner.”

The insurgent movement has led the United States government to install a military presence in Seattle and reinstate an ailing King Felix as tyrant.

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