Daniel Jones Named Whitest NFL Quarterback

by Alex Poletti

Big news for Giants fans this week, as first-round-bust-turned-phenom Daniel Jones officially became the whitest quarterback in the National Football League.

“I’m honored, truly,” Jones says, wearing a J. Crew sweater and Vineyard Vines shorts. “This was one of the easiest achievements in my already privileged life.”

Jones edges out some stiff competition for the honor in the form of Tom Brady, Eli Manning and Jacksonville rookie Gardner Minshew. Several factors put Jones over the top, including his schooling and his marshmallow-white face.

Jones started his journey to becoming the NFL’s whitest quarterback rather auspiciously, being born to two white people named Becca and Steve. However, things quickly got complicated for the young white star, as he was born in North Carolina, one of the least white states in the country. Luckily, he got back on track by enrolling in Charlotte Latin School, an institution founded because of segregationist principles.

After Jones graduated Latin, his whiteness went to another level; he originally committed to Princeton University, but opted for Duke instead. Duke, of course, is the alma mater of such white icons as Ron and Rand Paul, Adam Silver and Apple CEO and resident white dad Tim Cook.

Critics were quick to attack the anointment. Can we really say that Daniel Jones is the whitest quarterback after just one start? Does he really beat out Matt Ryan, a guy named Joe or a Prince Harry look-alike?

“It’s a little too soon for that claim,” Fox Sports commentator and expert on white sports stars Skip Bayless says. “There’s just too big of a field to give it to a rookie, especially one so unproven. Think about Tom Brady—he’s about as white as they come. He’s friends with Donald Trump! That turned Kanye white, I gotta believe it adds some serious credibility to Brady’s case, too.”

Sources close to the story tell The Second String that it was a three-horse race down to the end between Minshew and Giants teammates Manning and Jones. Though the horrendous mustache and Florida-man upbringing give Minshew some credit, he didn’t have the erudite pretension one expects from a white quarterback. In the end, it came down to how many times white reporters referred to them as “smart play-callers” and “students of the game.” Though Jones was eventually chosen, Manning received kudos for playing football about as well as one would expect a white person to play.

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One thought on “Daniel Jones Named Whitest NFL Quarterback”

  1. You are amazing! I repeat you should be in a popular journal, take your pick: New York times, New Yorker etc.

    I am so proud of you!

    Bana’

    Like

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