Yankees Announce They’ll Start Pile of $22 Million in Game One of ALDS

by Alex Poletti

As good as the Yankees have been all season, even with loads of injuries to stars like Giancarlo Stanton and Didi Gregorius, the pitching has remained an issue. With the Americal League East wrapped up and eyes on postseason glory, the Bronx Bombers have some difficult decisions about who to start in game one. They’ve found their answer, general manager Brian Cashman confirms, in a pile of $22 million dollars which will take the mound for New York.

“We usually throw $22 million at a mediocre pitcher, but now we’re changing it up,” Cashman says. “It’s no longer ‘how fast can we throw $22 million away,’ it’s ‘how fast can $22 million throw.’”

New York has developed a reputation for being the biggest market in sports, and the Yankees certainly live up to that, with a payroll over $218 million. While some of those investments have helped restore New York’s image as a perennial powerhouse, such as Stanton or DJ Lemahieu, others have panned out poorly. Many of those bad contracts lie in the pitching staff.

“We’re paying J.A. Happ $17 million and Masahiro Tanaka $22 million,” manager Aaron Boone weighs in. “That’s not ideal, given they’re both playing about as well as Bobby Banilla is right now. If we’re going to throw loads of money at pitchers who can’t hold up in the postseason, we might as well see how that money holds up.”

The pile of money has a formidable mound presence, standing at 6’10 and weighing 484 pounds. Though not much is known about the pitch arsenal, starting a heap of $100 bills throws a curveball in the other team’s scouting report.

“We don’t know what to expect,” Twins manager Rocco Baldelli, who is likely to face the Yankees in the ALDS, says. “It’s an intimidation tactic, to be sure. Our entire team was constructed in for less than that. Hell, the Twin Cities cost less than that.”

The pile of money will likely face Jose Berrios in game one, with James Paxton and Jake Odorizzi facing off in game two.

“We can’t say for certain how well the pile of cash is going to pitch,” Cashman concedes. “But we know one thing for damn sure. As far as $22 million dollar investments are concerned, this one will definitely play a hell of a lot more in the postseason than Jacoby Ellsbury.”

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